Dear Dr. Bill,
I don’t get it. What am I supposed to do when my wife hurts my feelings? How do I let her know she’s done something wrong? It seems every time I go to her with a legitimate complaint, she just gets mad and then I get mad. I do my best to say it nicely and it never works. She says I’m critical and that the Bible says I should be patient and kind and not nit pick at her. I say we need to have good communication and I have a right to express my feelings. Who is right? What can I do? We’ve been married only two years and this is not helping our marriage.
Dear Frustrated,
You have a common dilemma. Many marriages of much longer duration are struggling with the same basic question. I hope this will help. Lets say your wife has just embarrassed you in front of your best friend and you want to discuss this with her.
Step One: What is your motivation? Its hard to be honest about this one. Often, our primary goal is to let our spouse know how wrong they were. We’ve been hurt and simply want to issue a strong reprimand. We give them some of the pain they caused us back to them in the form of anger. We may also want to punish them for what they’ve done. We want them to know how wrong they were so they won’t hurt us again. Right? While these are understandable human motivations, they are not founded in love, and leave out the heart of our spouse and they will never lead to a closer more loving relationship. I think the goal should be restoration and mutual growth. This goal changes everything.
Step Two: Own Your Part. Ask yourself what was going on in you when the incident occurred. Are you sensitive to embarrassment or criticism? Do you care too much what others think? Are you defensive? Look for the part in you that made this event even harder than it might have been. Even if she was clearly wrong, how did your temperament make it even harder. Hint: If it was uncomfortable enough for you to want to confront your wife over it, your buttons were very likely pushed. Your buttons are your soft spots.
Step Three: Speak the Truth in Love. This is not easy and is almost impossible while you are angry. Cool off. Wait an hour or longer. You must have a soft start. Don’t begin with an harsh language. “I need to tell you how wrong you were last night” will rarely lead to a mutually loving conversation. Start with an expression of hope and love. “I love you and want us to grow closer together.” Follow immediately with ownership. “I’m far from perfect and know I’m not the best at hearing criticism” “My stuff is involved here too, this is not just about you”. The next ingredient is benefit of the doubt. “You probably didn’t mean it this way, but when you said__________, it really hurt my feelings.
Even when I’m 99.9% sure they did it on purpose, I’m often wrong about their motivations and benefit of the doubt helps them hear what I’m saying without getting defensive. The next ingredient is forgiveness. “I do love you and forgive you and I won’t hold this against you or remind you of it”. The final ingredient is your own apology. What you say? She hurt me! True but I’d say about 95% of the time, we sin in response to being hurt. “I want you to know that I’m sorry I got so mad” “I’m sorry I pouted all afternoon”. “I’m sorry I reacted so strongly.” Generally, you won’t have to dig very deeply to find your unloving response.
These steps are not easy in the beginning. They require practice. There is no guarantee your spouse will respond perfectly, but you will be doing the right thing. In time, she will grow to trust your motives and not brace herself for your discussions. Blessings in your journey
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Bag the therapist who suggests divorce is best
Dear Dr. Bill,
Early this year, my husband of 12 years told me one evening that he was unhappy in our marriage. The spark was gone and though he loved me, he wasn’t sure he was “in love” with me anymore. In fact, he wasn’t sure he ever felt that way. I was devastated. We have two beautiful children and my world started crashing around me. Eventually we went to counseling. And that’s when it got worse. The counselor, who said he was a Christian, essentially told my husband he had a right to seek happiness, and that sometimes meant ending a marriage. That was just what my husband needed to hear. It wasn’t just permission from a “professional”, it provided support to my husband’s premise that ending the marriage and finding his “true love” might lead to happiness. Now my husband is living in the basement and waiting for me to give up. I don’t think he wants to file for fear of what people will say. Living like this is killing me. What can I do? I feel so defeated.
Dear Defeated,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I want to respond to your question, but first I have to address marriage counselors who take a neutral or even negative position on marriage. There ought to be a warning label on marriage counseling which says: “This counseling may be dangerous to your marriage”. I simply cannot understand how any therapist can justify a position which espouses that leaving a marriage is a route to happiness. We know that divorce does not solve our personal quest for happiness. Our own healing and growth is the only known pathway for self-acceptance and peace with ourselves. And happiness will not come without the work we need to do. Suggesting divorce will lead to happiness is like telling a cancer patient that a new sports car will solve their problems. While that new Lambroghini may help that person forget their pain for a few days, the cancer eating at them will still be there. I understand that therapists are taught not to impose their values on clients. I also understand that divorce is a decision that only my clients can make. But I have had clients who think that jumping off a bridge will make them happy. I am not neutral about that decision because I know the consequences of it. I am also not neutral about divorce because I know it doesn’t solve anything and the consequences are generational and negative. The kids won’t be better and the adults won’t be better either. Divorce is usually running and it doesn’t solve any core problems. What’s worse is that unhappy people are desperate to be happy, and the last thing they need is the “impression” from a professional that divorce will help.
You need to know that it’s not too late for your marriage. It only takes one to Tango. We do “Marriage Counseling For One” all the time helping spouses in your position fight for their marriage. In your hurt and rejection, you have understandably reacted to your husband in ways which likely confirm his fears. As you build cold protective walls, his desperation will increase, not decrease. Quietly make the decision to work on your part. Where can you grow and heal? There is not an exemption in 1Corinthian 13’s unconditional love for your situation. In fact it is needed more than ever. Pray your husband’s heart will change. I have seen many many case where a hopeless marriage turned around, and when it was least expected. Pray God gives you the strength to persevere. Blessings in your journey
Early this year, my husband of 12 years told me one evening that he was unhappy in our marriage. The spark was gone and though he loved me, he wasn’t sure he was “in love” with me anymore. In fact, he wasn’t sure he ever felt that way. I was devastated. We have two beautiful children and my world started crashing around me. Eventually we went to counseling. And that’s when it got worse. The counselor, who said he was a Christian, essentially told my husband he had a right to seek happiness, and that sometimes meant ending a marriage. That was just what my husband needed to hear. It wasn’t just permission from a “professional”, it provided support to my husband’s premise that ending the marriage and finding his “true love” might lead to happiness. Now my husband is living in the basement and waiting for me to give up. I don’t think he wants to file for fear of what people will say. Living like this is killing me. What can I do? I feel so defeated.
Dear Defeated,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I want to respond to your question, but first I have to address marriage counselors who take a neutral or even negative position on marriage. There ought to be a warning label on marriage counseling which says: “This counseling may be dangerous to your marriage”. I simply cannot understand how any therapist can justify a position which espouses that leaving a marriage is a route to happiness. We know that divorce does not solve our personal quest for happiness. Our own healing and growth is the only known pathway for self-acceptance and peace with ourselves. And happiness will not come without the work we need to do. Suggesting divorce will lead to happiness is like telling a cancer patient that a new sports car will solve their problems. While that new Lambroghini may help that person forget their pain for a few days, the cancer eating at them will still be there. I understand that therapists are taught not to impose their values on clients. I also understand that divorce is a decision that only my clients can make. But I have had clients who think that jumping off a bridge will make them happy. I am not neutral about that decision because I know the consequences of it. I am also not neutral about divorce because I know it doesn’t solve anything and the consequences are generational and negative. The kids won’t be better and the adults won’t be better either. Divorce is usually running and it doesn’t solve any core problems. What’s worse is that unhappy people are desperate to be happy, and the last thing they need is the “impression” from a professional that divorce will help.
You need to know that it’s not too late for your marriage. It only takes one to Tango. We do “Marriage Counseling For One” all the time helping spouses in your position fight for their marriage. In your hurt and rejection, you have understandably reacted to your husband in ways which likely confirm his fears. As you build cold protective walls, his desperation will increase, not decrease. Quietly make the decision to work on your part. Where can you grow and heal? There is not an exemption in 1Corinthian 13’s unconditional love for your situation. In fact it is needed more than ever. Pray your husband’s heart will change. I have seen many many case where a hopeless marriage turned around, and when it was least expected. Pray God gives you the strength to persevere. Blessings in your journey
Monday, April 23, 2007
Empathy: A Tool To Repair Heated Marriages
Dear Dr. Bill:
My husband’s family is weird. We don’t even talk to his dad anymore as he has been so mean to us and our kids. It is sad my husband has had to give up that relationship, but nearly every contact with him was painful. His mom is a little better. In the beginning of our marriage, she completely ignored me and has made countless rude comments since. She visits each summer for a week or two. I am pleasant to her while she visits but I look forward to her leaving. My husband leaves for work each day and I need to have her around while he is gone. Its not easy. Yesterday, my husband and I were talking and I mentioned that I’d be glad when her visit was over. He blew up at me telling me I always hold onto the past and never forgive. I feel I have been extremely patient with his mom and had a right to express my feeling. I just wanted some sympathy. Now we’re both mad. Help.
Dear Frustrated Couple:
I can just imagine how you both might be feeling. I’m going to call you Fred and Martha. Fred is tired of hearing complaints about his mom. When he hears Martha’s comments he “feels” guilty and responsible. Like he’s supposed to do something and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s already given up a relationship with his father and he doesn’t want to have to give up his mother as well. Because he hears Martha’s comments as criticism, he reacts in anger. His brain literally is responding to an attack. And his response is the most “effective” kind because it’s a counter-attack. The “real” problem is Martha won’t forgive. This kind of counter-attack is an effective distraction but will never end with anything but very hard feelings. Martha on the other hand just wants a sympathetic ear. Babysitting the mother-in-law is no picnic, even though she has mellowed a bit. I suspect she resents that Fred goes off to work and leaves her to deal with “mom”. When she expresses how happy she will be when this visit is over, she’s not really thinking about Fred’s feelings. And when he blows up, and blames her for the problem, the conversation is over and she shuts down.
These interactions in marriage are all too common and sometimes they happen in an instant and the damage is done. The good news is you can repair what happened is a profound way if you are willing. Fred and Martha, you need a huge dose of empathy to repair this event. I believe we can learn to be empathetic if we will try. Anger and frustration blocks empathy in the heated exchange, but if you will let a little time pass you can literally crawl into the other person’s shoes. Why was that exchange so hard for them? What were they trying to say? What did they need? Why was it hard for me? How patient and kind was my response? Answer those questions, swallow your pride, and go back to your spouse in empathy. Fred: “Honey, I know it’s not easy having mom here. I’m sorry I over-reacted. It’s hard for me because I think I hear you wanting me to fix it and I don’t know how. I appreciate your patience with her.” Martha: “I know it’s hard for you. Especially having severed your relationship with your dad. Your mom is all you have left. Most of the time, I just want to be heard. You don’t have to do anything. I’ll try to express my feelings about your mom with a little more sensitivity for yours.”
Love is patient and kind. (1Cor 13). Even if you blow it, repair with kindness and empathy, and you can prevent damage and build understanding.
Dear Dr. Bill:
My husband’s family is weird. We don’t even talk to his dad anymore as he has been so mean to us and our kids. It is sad my husband has had to give up that relationship, but nearly every contact with him was painful. His mom is a little better. In the beginning of our marriage, she completely ignored me and has made countless rude comments since. She visits each summer for a week or two. I am pleasant to her while she visits but I look forward to her leaving. My husband leaves for work each day and I need to have her around while he is gone. Its not easy. Yesterday, my husband and I were talking and I mentioned that I’d be glad when her visit was over. He blew up at me telling me I always hold onto the past and never forgive. I feel I have been extremely patient with his mom and had a right to express my feeling. I just wanted some sympathy. Now we’re both mad. Help.
Dear Frustrated Couple:
I can just imagine how you both might be feeling. I’m going to call you Fred and Martha. Fred is tired of hearing complaints about his mom. When he hears Martha’s comments he “feels” guilty and responsible. Like he’s supposed to do something and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s already given up a relationship with his father and he doesn’t want to have to give up his mother as well. Because he hears Martha’s comments as criticism, he reacts in anger. His brain literally is responding to an attack. And his response is the most “effective” kind because it’s a counter-attack. The “real” problem is Martha won’t forgive. This kind of counter-attack is an effective distraction but will never end with anything but very hard feelings. Martha on the other hand just wants a sympathetic ear. Babysitting the mother-in-law is no picnic, even though she has mellowed a bit. I suspect she resents that Fred goes off to work and leaves her to deal with “mom”. When she expresses how happy she will be when this visit is over, she’s not really thinking about Fred’s feelings. And when he blows up, and blames her for the problem, the conversation is over and she shuts down.
These interactions in marriage are all too common and sometimes they happen in an instant and the damage is done. The good news is you can repair what happened is a profound way if you are willing. Fred and Martha, you need a huge dose of empathy to repair this event. I believe we can learn to be empathetic if we will try. Anger and frustration blocks empathy in the heated exchange, but if you will let a little time pass you can literally crawl into the other person’s shoes. Why was that exchange so hard for them? What were they trying to say? What did they need? Why was it hard for me? How patient and kind was my response? Answer those questions, swallow your pride, and go back to your spouse in empathy. Fred: “Honey, I know it’s not easy having mom here. I’m sorry I over-reacted. It’s hard for me because I think I hear you wanting me to fix it and I don’t know how. I appreciate your patience with her.” Martha: “I know it’s hard for you. Especially having severed your relationship with your dad. Your mom is all you have left. Most of the time, I just want to be heard. You don’t have to do anything. I’ll try to express my feelings about your mom with a little more sensitivity for yours.”
Love is patient and kind. (1Cor 13). Even if you blow it, repair with kindness and empathy, and you can prevent damage and build understanding.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Wife's Adopted Child A Struggle for This Husband
Dear Dr. Bill,
My wife and I have been married for 20 years and we have 3 great kids. Our marriage has never been perfect but I’d say we have done well together. That is until recently. My wife has a child from a previous relationship who she put up for adoption when the little girl was a baby. That was ancient history and not an issue in our lives until this daughter recently re-entered our lives. The daughter is now a single mom of two and sought out her birth mom, my wife. My wife was hesitant at first but is now thrilled to be in this daughter’s life. Over the past several months, she has been at her unemployed daughter’s beckon call and has spent more time and money with her and her kids than our own. She even wants our kids and me to welcome the daughter and kids into our family and treat them like long lost relatives. I’m having a lot of trouble not being resentful of my wife’s excessive attention to her daughter at the expense of our family. I understand her need to be in her daughter’s life but I did not sign up for this extra family and all its responsibilities. Help!
Dear Burdened Husband,
It makes sense to me that you are frustrated. You’ve built a pretty good life and all of a sudden, out of left field, comes a challenge no one expected. As I try to imagine your situation, I think the biggest problem is that you didn’t have a choice in the matter and therefore you resent what has happened. It is normal for you to feel the way you do and I’ll bet your wife has made many a judgment error as she tries to compensate for the guilt she may feel. But Resentment is like an anti-compassion drug. Absorb enough of it and it can entirely block your normal compassionate self.
Imagine this. Your Pastor calls and says a young mom with two kids, recently abandoned by her abusive husband, needs help. One of the kids needs an operation and this family is going to need a lot of support. The Pastor knows you to be a family who has helped people in the past and asks you to consider being this family’s primary sponsor for the next six months. You discuss it with your wife and family and decide you are called to help them. Over the next six months, your family pitches in, in a dramatic way, to help. Its takes much more time and resources than you expected but you make a difference in this young family’s life. How does it feel? It feels good doesn’t it!
Why then can you imagine feeling good in one case of helping a stranger and not in helping your wife’s daughter? Because in the imaginary case you had a choice. It was not forced upon you. And now you have another choice. Let your understandable resentment continue to build and you may drive your wife farther away. You may have a right to be upset, but I would hate to see your family torn apart by this. You didn’t get to choose this new family, and I’d be frustrated too, but you did choose your wife and she comes “for better or worse” including this family.
I am pretty sure that loving your wife now means finding a way to embrace her daughter. Pray for the strength to let go of the way it happened and join your wife rather than battle her. I believe that once you do that, you will be able to negotiate a way to meet your wife’s needs and yours. It is counter-intuitive, but the more you fight this, the more entrenched your wife will become. She will feel abandoned and misunderstood and more intent upon helping her daughter.
I believe you are about to engage in sacrificial love and when you do, your situation will become better than you could have imagined.
My wife and I have been married for 20 years and we have 3 great kids. Our marriage has never been perfect but I’d say we have done well together. That is until recently. My wife has a child from a previous relationship who she put up for adoption when the little girl was a baby. That was ancient history and not an issue in our lives until this daughter recently re-entered our lives. The daughter is now a single mom of two and sought out her birth mom, my wife. My wife was hesitant at first but is now thrilled to be in this daughter’s life. Over the past several months, she has been at her unemployed daughter’s beckon call and has spent more time and money with her and her kids than our own. She even wants our kids and me to welcome the daughter and kids into our family and treat them like long lost relatives. I’m having a lot of trouble not being resentful of my wife’s excessive attention to her daughter at the expense of our family. I understand her need to be in her daughter’s life but I did not sign up for this extra family and all its responsibilities. Help!
Dear Burdened Husband,
It makes sense to me that you are frustrated. You’ve built a pretty good life and all of a sudden, out of left field, comes a challenge no one expected. As I try to imagine your situation, I think the biggest problem is that you didn’t have a choice in the matter and therefore you resent what has happened. It is normal for you to feel the way you do and I’ll bet your wife has made many a judgment error as she tries to compensate for the guilt she may feel. But Resentment is like an anti-compassion drug. Absorb enough of it and it can entirely block your normal compassionate self.
Imagine this. Your Pastor calls and says a young mom with two kids, recently abandoned by her abusive husband, needs help. One of the kids needs an operation and this family is going to need a lot of support. The Pastor knows you to be a family who has helped people in the past and asks you to consider being this family’s primary sponsor for the next six months. You discuss it with your wife and family and decide you are called to help them. Over the next six months, your family pitches in, in a dramatic way, to help. Its takes much more time and resources than you expected but you make a difference in this young family’s life. How does it feel? It feels good doesn’t it!
Why then can you imagine feeling good in one case of helping a stranger and not in helping your wife’s daughter? Because in the imaginary case you had a choice. It was not forced upon you. And now you have another choice. Let your understandable resentment continue to build and you may drive your wife farther away. You may have a right to be upset, but I would hate to see your family torn apart by this. You didn’t get to choose this new family, and I’d be frustrated too, but you did choose your wife and she comes “for better or worse” including this family.
I am pretty sure that loving your wife now means finding a way to embrace her daughter. Pray for the strength to let go of the way it happened and join your wife rather than battle her. I believe that once you do that, you will be able to negotiate a way to meet your wife’s needs and yours. It is counter-intuitive, but the more you fight this, the more entrenched your wife will become. She will feel abandoned and misunderstood and more intent upon helping her daughter.
I believe you are about to engage in sacrificial love and when you do, your situation will become better than you could have imagined.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Divorce: Taking a Stand with More Grace
Phone Message to Dr. Bill,
I just had to call after reading your column on divorce. I want you to know how much I appreciate your standing up for marriage. It is very important people wake-up to the damage divorce causes and I so appreciate your courage in taking a firm stand. Blessings to you. Un-named woman
I received a total of two comments on my last column “Divorce: A False Promise For Wounded Souls”. The one above and the other through a letter to the editor. That writer found my reply “smug, condescending and without empathy”. She wonders if I am really a Christian based upon my “self-righteous, unforgiving tone”. And though I have mentioned it here before, she implies that my own history of divorce should have been acknowledged.
I prefer the compliments over the condemnations but we learn more from failure than from success
I re-read my column and I can see why some would be offended. It was blunt, sometimes harsh and without nearly enough grace and for that I apologize for those who were hurt.
It hurt me to read the letter because my career is devoted to helping people and not hurting them. I spend almost every day trying to help people get on the other side of their marital pain. I exhort them. I encourage them to hang in there. I have been thanked countless times by individuals who are glad I helped them persevere through the hard times to the healing of their marriage. That was the intent of my message. As I said in my column, I am sick of divorce and the affect it has on all the lives I've seen. That includes mine as well.
Long before I was a Psychologist my first marriage ended in divorce. It was a marriage I did not want to end and it was the most painful experience of my life. My four children have paid a price they should not have had to pay for their parent’s mistakes and unwillingness to persevere and heal. Eight years later, I have seen the lasting impact which one cannot see in the midst or shortly after divorce. During my divorce, I began 8 years of training including two graduate degrees to become a Psychologist.
My oldest daughter once sent me a quote which said “Our ministries are birthed in our pain”. How true this was.
My column was meant to encourage those battling for their marriages and not to condemn those who choose divorce or feel they have no options but divorce. It was to speak to those who feel like they can’t stand it another day, that there is still hope. To say that healing and growth and change may still be possible and God can give you the strength to stand for another day. I see people all the time change in ways that could have never been expected.
I believe in my stand on divorce but I do sincerely regret that I didn’t find a way to show more empathy and grace in my last column.
We learn from our mistakes and move on. The crucible of marriage is almost always painful at times. I expect that part of the rest of my life will be devoted to helping couples through difficult times. May God grant me the skills to do so with grace and wisdom.
I just had to call after reading your column on divorce. I want you to know how much I appreciate your standing up for marriage. It is very important people wake-up to the damage divorce causes and I so appreciate your courage in taking a firm stand. Blessings to you. Un-named woman
I received a total of two comments on my last column “Divorce: A False Promise For Wounded Souls”. The one above and the other through a letter to the editor. That writer found my reply “smug, condescending and without empathy”. She wonders if I am really a Christian based upon my “self-righteous, unforgiving tone”. And though I have mentioned it here before, she implies that my own history of divorce should have been acknowledged.
I prefer the compliments over the condemnations but we learn more from failure than from success
I re-read my column and I can see why some would be offended. It was blunt, sometimes harsh and without nearly enough grace and for that I apologize for those who were hurt.
It hurt me to read the letter because my career is devoted to helping people and not hurting them. I spend almost every day trying to help people get on the other side of their marital pain. I exhort them. I encourage them to hang in there. I have been thanked countless times by individuals who are glad I helped them persevere through the hard times to the healing of their marriage. That was the intent of my message. As I said in my column, I am sick of divorce and the affect it has on all the lives I've seen. That includes mine as well.
Long before I was a Psychologist my first marriage ended in divorce. It was a marriage I did not want to end and it was the most painful experience of my life. My four children have paid a price they should not have had to pay for their parent’s mistakes and unwillingness to persevere and heal. Eight years later, I have seen the lasting impact which one cannot see in the midst or shortly after divorce. During my divorce, I began 8 years of training including two graduate degrees to become a Psychologist.
My oldest daughter once sent me a quote which said “Our ministries are birthed in our pain”. How true this was.
My column was meant to encourage those battling for their marriages and not to condemn those who choose divorce or feel they have no options but divorce. It was to speak to those who feel like they can’t stand it another day, that there is still hope. To say that healing and growth and change may still be possible and God can give you the strength to stand for another day. I see people all the time change in ways that could have never been expected.
I believe in my stand on divorce but I do sincerely regret that I didn’t find a way to show more empathy and grace in my last column.
We learn from our mistakes and move on. The crucible of marriage is almost always painful at times. I expect that part of the rest of my life will be devoted to helping couples through difficult times. May God grant me the skills to do so with grace and wisdom.
Divorce: A False Promise For Wounded Souls
Dear Dr. Bill,
I am a Christian and I am reluctantly filing for divorce. There isn’t enough room here to describe the misery of my 10 year marriage. My children, my husband and I deserve better. While I know God hates divorce, I also believe He is a loving God who wouldn’t want me to be this miserable. We have both made mistakes but I feel like I cannot live another day facing my husband’s quiet disdain. I have sought Godly counsel and my closest friends reluctantly agree with my conclusion. It is time to move on. God has a good life for me and my children. Don’t I deserve grace and mercy? Signed: Wanting Peace
Dear Wanting,
I feel your pain has become such a cliché but I can truly imagine what you are going through. The hurt is palpable. I think very little is worse than marital pain. Of course you deserve grace and mercy. I can understand why your friends are supporting your decision.
I just believe they are wrong. In trying to help you they are buying into a short-term solution which will solve nothing and lead to more long term pain. I know you can’t see that from your vantage point.
You are going down the path that has become society’s new standard.
We don't get along. We are hurt. We feel wronged. We are scared. It is too hard to do anymore. We'll get divorced and find peace. God will forgive and bless us. We have decided divorce is the better way. It is expedient.
And that’s just bull.
The only reason I fight for marriages is because I believe the “divorce solution” is not a solution at all. I do not wish you misery. I wish you a healed marriage.
You won't be better off. You won't have healing. You will be financially and spiritually poorer. You will likely be more (if that is possible) bitter. You will be alone or in a not so “blended” family. You will add to the divorce legacy of Christians. You will affirm your children's view that marriage is for the good times and not for when things get too tough. You will be a cogent testimony to ALL who know you about how limited God is and how utterly meaningless His word is to you.
Just on the other side of all this pain is healing that you will never see. There is a path that God will bless you for taking. There is forgiveness and healing and victory. It is harder in the short term but such a tremendous blessing over the long haul.
But everyone knows better. Most are so arrogant or blind that they will choose short-term relief and ignore what God has for them. You are in the process of breaking a vow you made before God. You each made it. It is not a vow that is void when the other of you fails. It’s a unilateral promise you made to God and now you say to hell with it.
I am mad. I am angry. I am sick to death of how casually we are now taking divorce. Friends don't let friends jump off a cliff without trying desperately to stop them. I believe you are being led to more darkness and not light. It would only take one of you to decide to say no to divorce. One of you to fight. One of you to not give up. It is not too late. Get help. One person can profoundly change a marriage. Don’t say it because “you haven’t tried everything!”
I am a Christian and I am reluctantly filing for divorce. There isn’t enough room here to describe the misery of my 10 year marriage. My children, my husband and I deserve better. While I know God hates divorce, I also believe He is a loving God who wouldn’t want me to be this miserable. We have both made mistakes but I feel like I cannot live another day facing my husband’s quiet disdain. I have sought Godly counsel and my closest friends reluctantly agree with my conclusion. It is time to move on. God has a good life for me and my children. Don’t I deserve grace and mercy? Signed: Wanting Peace
Dear Wanting,
I feel your pain has become such a cliché but I can truly imagine what you are going through. The hurt is palpable. I think very little is worse than marital pain. Of course you deserve grace and mercy. I can understand why your friends are supporting your decision.
I just believe they are wrong. In trying to help you they are buying into a short-term solution which will solve nothing and lead to more long term pain. I know you can’t see that from your vantage point.
You are going down the path that has become society’s new standard.
We don't get along. We are hurt. We feel wronged. We are scared. It is too hard to do anymore. We'll get divorced and find peace. God will forgive and bless us. We have decided divorce is the better way. It is expedient.
And that’s just bull.
The only reason I fight for marriages is because I believe the “divorce solution” is not a solution at all. I do not wish you misery. I wish you a healed marriage.
You won't be better off. You won't have healing. You will be financially and spiritually poorer. You will likely be more (if that is possible) bitter. You will be alone or in a not so “blended” family. You will add to the divorce legacy of Christians. You will affirm your children's view that marriage is for the good times and not for when things get too tough. You will be a cogent testimony to ALL who know you about how limited God is and how utterly meaningless His word is to you.
Just on the other side of all this pain is healing that you will never see. There is a path that God will bless you for taking. There is forgiveness and healing and victory. It is harder in the short term but such a tremendous blessing over the long haul.
But everyone knows better. Most are so arrogant or blind that they will choose short-term relief and ignore what God has for them. You are in the process of breaking a vow you made before God. You each made it. It is not a vow that is void when the other of you fails. It’s a unilateral promise you made to God and now you say to hell with it.
I am mad. I am angry. I am sick to death of how casually we are now taking divorce. Friends don't let friends jump off a cliff without trying desperately to stop them. I believe you are being led to more darkness and not light. It would only take one of you to decide to say no to divorce. One of you to fight. One of you to not give up. It is not too late. Get help. One person can profoundly change a marriage. Don’t say it because “you haven’t tried everything!”
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