Divorce: Taking a Stand with More Grace

Phone Message to Dr. Bill,

I just had to call after reading your column on divorce. I want you to know how much I appreciate your standing up for marriage. It is very important people wake-up to the damage divorce causes and I so appreciate your courage in taking a firm stand. Blessings to you. Un-named woman

I received a total of two comments on my last column “Divorce: A False Promise For Wounded Souls”. The one above and the other through a letter to the editor. That writer found my reply “smug, condescending and without empathy”. She wonders if I am really a Christian based upon my “self-righteous, unforgiving tone”. And though I have mentioned it here before, she implies that my own history of divorce should have been acknowledged.

I prefer the compliments over the condemnations but we learn more from failure than from success

I re-read my column and I can see why some would be offended. It was blunt, sometimes harsh and without nearly enough grace and for that I apologize for those who were hurt.

It hurt me to read the letter because my career is devoted to helping people and not hurting them. I spend almost every day trying to help people get on the other side of their marital pain. I exhort them. I encourage them to hang in there. I have been thanked countless times by individuals who are glad I helped them persevere through the hard times to the healing of their marriage. That was the intent of my message. As I said in my column, I am sick of divorce and the affect it has on all the lives I've seen. That includes mine as well.

Long before I was a Psychologist my first marriage ended in divorce. It was a marriage I did not want to end and it was the most painful experience of my life. My four children have paid a price they should not have had to pay for their parent’s mistakes and unwillingness to persevere and heal. Eight years later, I have seen the lasting impact which one cannot see in the midst or shortly after divorce. During my divorce, I began 8 years of training including two graduate degrees to become a Psychologist.

My oldest daughter once sent me a quote which said “Our ministries are birthed in our pain”. How true this was.

My column was meant to encourage those battling for their marriages and not to condemn those who choose divorce or feel they have no options but divorce. It was to speak to those who feel like they can’t stand it another day, that there is still hope. To say that healing and growth and change may still be possible and God can give you the strength to stand for another day. I see people all the time change in ways that could have never been expected.

I believe in my stand on divorce but I do sincerely regret that I didn’t find a way to show more empathy and grace in my last column.

We learn from our mistakes and move on. The crucible of marriage is almost always painful at times. I expect that part of the rest of my life will be devoted to helping couples through difficult times. May God grant me the skills to do so with grace and wisdom.