Empathy: A Tool To Repair Heated Marriages

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband’s family is weird. We don’t even talk to his dad anymore as he has been so mean to us and our kids. It is sad my husband has had to give up that relationship, but nearly every contact with him was painful. His mom is a little better. In the beginning of our marriage, she completely ignored me and has made countless rude comments since. She visits each summer for a week or two. I am pleasant to her while she visits but I look forward to her leaving. My husband leaves for work each day and I need to have her around while he is gone. Its not easy. Yesterday, my husband and I were talking and I mentioned that I’d be glad when her visit was over. He blew up at me telling me I always hold onto the past and never forgive. I feel I have been extremely patient with his mom and had a right to express my feeling. I just wanted some sympathy. Now we’re both mad. Help.

Dear Frustrated Couple:

I can just imagine how you both might be feeling. I’m going to call you Fred and Martha. Fred is tired of hearing complaints about his mom. When he hears Martha’s comments he “feels” guilty and responsible. Like he’s supposed to do something and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s already given up a relationship with his father and he doesn’t want to have to give up his mother as well. Because he hears Martha’s comments as criticism, he reacts in anger. His brain literally is responding to an attack. And his response is the most “effective” kind because it’s a counter-attack. The “real” problem is Martha won’t forgive. This kind of counter-attack is an effective distraction but will never end with anything but very hard feelings. Martha on the other hand just wants a sympathetic ear. Babysitting the mother-in-law is no picnic, even though she has mellowed a bit. I suspect she resents that Fred goes off to work and leaves her to deal with “mom”. When she expresses how happy she will be when this visit is over, she’s not really thinking about Fred’s feelings. And when he blows up, and blames her for the problem, the conversation is over and she shuts down.

These interactions in marriage are all too common and sometimes they happen in an instant and the damage is done. The good news is you can repair what happened is a profound way if you are willing. Fred and Martha, you need a huge dose of empathy to repair this event. I believe we can learn to be empathetic if we will try. Anger and frustration blocks empathy in the heated exchange, but if you will let a little time pass you can literally crawl into the other person’s shoes. Why was that exchange so hard for them? What were they trying to say? What did they need? Why was it hard for me? How patient and kind was my response? Answer those questions, swallow your pride, and go back to your spouse in empathy. Fred: “Honey, I know it’s not easy having mom here. I’m sorry I over-reacted. It’s hard for me because I think I hear you wanting me to fix it and I don’t know how. I appreciate your patience with her.” Martha: “I know it’s hard for you. Especially having severed your relationship with your dad. Your mom is all you have left. Most of the time, I just want to be heard. You don’t have to do anything. I’ll try to express my feelings about your mom with a little more sensitivity for yours.”
Love is patient and kind. (1Cor 13). Even if you blow it, repair with kindness and empathy, and you can prevent damage and build understanding.