Loving Complaints Require Self Examination

Dear Dr. Bill,

I don’t get it. What am I supposed to do when my wife hurts my feelings? How do I let her know she’s done something wrong? It seems every time I go to her with a legitimate complaint, she just gets mad and then I get mad. I do my best to say it nicely and it never works. She says I’m critical and that the Bible says I should be patient and kind and not nit pick at her. I say we need to have good communication and I have a right to express my feelings. Who is right? What can I do? We’ve been married only two years and this is not helping our marriage.

Dear Frustrated,

You have a common dilemma. Many marriages of much longer duration are struggling with the same basic question. I hope this will help. Lets say your wife has just embarrassed you in front of your best friend and you want to discuss this with her.

Step One: What is your motivation? Its hard to be honest about this one. Often, our primary goal is to let our spouse know how wrong they were. We’ve been hurt and simply want to issue a strong reprimand. We give them some of the pain they caused us back to them in the form of anger. We may also want to punish them for what they’ve done. We want them to know how wrong they were so they won’t hurt us again. Right? While these are understandable human motivations, they are not founded in love, and leave out the heart of our spouse and they will never lead to a closer more loving relationship. I think the goal should be restoration and mutual growth. This goal changes everything.

Step Two: Own Your Part. Ask yourself what was going on in you when the incident occurred. Are you sensitive to embarrassment or criticism? Do you care too much what others think? Are you defensive? Look for the part in you that made this event even harder than it might have been. Even if she was clearly wrong, how did your temperament make it even harder. Hint: If it was uncomfortable enough for you to want to confront your wife over it, your buttons were very likely pushed. Your buttons are your soft spots.

Step Three: Speak the Truth in Love. This is not easy and is almost impossible while you are angry. Cool off. Wait an hour or longer. You must have a soft start. Don’t begin with an harsh language. “I need to tell you how wrong you were last night” will rarely lead to a mutually loving conversation. Start with an expression of hope and love. “I love you and want us to grow closer together.” Follow immediately with ownership. “I’m far from perfect and know I’m not the best at hearing criticism” “My stuff is involved here too, this is not just about you”. The next ingredient is benefit of the doubt. “You probably didn’t mean it this way, but when you said__________, it really hurt my feelings.

Even when I’m 99.9% sure they did it on purpose, I’m often wrong about their motivations and benefit of the doubt helps them hear what I’m saying without getting defensive. The next ingredient is forgiveness. “I do love you and forgive you and I won’t hold this against you or remind you of it”. The final ingredient is your own apology. What you say? She hurt me! True but I’d say about 95% of the time, we sin in response to being hurt. “I want you to know that I’m sorry I got so mad” “I’m sorry I pouted all afternoon”. “I’m sorry I reacted so strongly.” Generally, you won’t have to dig very deeply to find your unloving response.

These steps are not easy in the beginning. They require practice. There is no guarantee your spouse will respond perfectly, but you will be doing the right thing. In time, she will grow to trust your motives and not brace herself for your discussions. Blessings in your journey