Bag the therapist who suggests divorce is best

Dear Dr. Bill,

Early this year, my husband of 12 years told me one evening that he was unhappy in our marriage. The spark was gone and though he loved me, he wasn’t sure he was “in love” with me anymore. In fact, he wasn’t sure he ever felt that way. I was devastated. We have two beautiful children and my world started crashing around me. Eventually we went to counseling. And that’s when it got worse. The counselor, who said he was a Christian, essentially told my husband he had a right to seek happiness, and that sometimes meant ending a marriage. That was just what my husband needed to hear. It wasn’t just permission from a “professional”, it provided support to my husband’s premise that ending the marriage and finding his “true love” might lead to happiness. Now my husband is living in the basement and waiting for me to give up. I don’t think he wants to file for fear of what people will say. Living like this is killing me. What can I do? I feel so defeated.

Dear Defeated,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I want to respond to your question, but first I have to address marriage counselors who take a neutral or even negative position on marriage. There ought to be a warning label on marriage counseling which says: “This counseling may be dangerous to your marriage”. I simply cannot understand how any therapist can justify a position which espouses that leaving a marriage is a route to happiness. We know that divorce does not solve our personal quest for happiness. Our own healing and growth is the only known pathway for self-acceptance and peace with ourselves. And happiness will not come without the work we need to do. Suggesting divorce will lead to happiness is like telling a cancer patient that a new sports car will solve their problems. While that new Lambroghini may help that person forget their pain for a few days, the cancer eating at them will still be there. I understand that therapists are taught not to impose their values on clients. I also understand that divorce is a decision that only my clients can make. But I have had clients who think that jumping off a bridge will make them happy. I am not neutral about that decision because I know the consequences of it. I am also not neutral about divorce because I know it doesn’t solve anything and the consequences are generational and negative. The kids won’t be better and the adults won’t be better either. Divorce is usually running and it doesn’t solve any core problems. What’s worse is that unhappy people are desperate to be happy, and the last thing they need is the “impression” from a professional that divorce will help.

You need to know that it’s not too late for your marriage. It only takes one to Tango. We do “Marriage Counseling For One” all the time helping spouses in your position fight for their marriage. In your hurt and rejection, you have understandably reacted to your husband in ways which likely confirm his fears. As you build cold protective walls, his desperation will increase, not decrease. Quietly make the decision to work on your part. Where can you grow and heal? There is not an exemption in 1Corinthian 13’s unconditional love for your situation. In fact it is needed more than ever. Pray your husband’s heart will change. I have seen many many case where a hopeless marriage turned around, and when it was least expected. Pray God gives you the strength to persevere. Blessings in your journey