Dear Dr. Bill,
I can’t figure my wife out. Why does she have to be so controlling? She must be in charge of everything. She decides what we will do and when we will do it. Its her way or the highway with the way we parent our children, spend money and even the way we have birthday parties for the kids. And she gets extremely mad when things don’t go her way. I’ve simply given up trying to have a say. The price I have to pay for challenging her is just too great. But I do resent it and often find myself seething inside. So saying yes all the time makes me mad and saying no makes her mad. There must be a way to do this differently. Signed Controlled and hating it.
Dear Afraid,
I know you signed your letter differently, but the “my spouse in controlling” is an overused label which has lost all meaning. I propose we ban the use of the word controlling in relationship discussions. It takes on a life of its own. Once a spouse has been pegged with that label, it becomes all too easy to categorize their every behavior with the “controlling” label. “Your too controlling” never results in constructive change in a marriage. Its sophisticated name calling and nothing else. You have a much better chance of getting change if you ask for specific change in a behavior rather than challenging someone’s character.
In your mind, convert the word controlling to protective. People who carefully organize events around them are not power hungry but afraid. Their brains have learned long ago, that when events get out of hand, things go very wrong. They organize to try to prevent hurt and pain. And her anger is the external expression of pain or fear. She gets angry (afraid) that things may not go as planned because there may be embarrassing (painful) consequences.
So she’s very busy trying to make her world safe and you see that as a threat (fear) and either fight her or withdraw (fear-avoiding conflict). But either way you are angry (pain) and she must feel alone.
Control means “exercise authority over”. Protect means “shield from attack, harm or injury”. Which label you choose makes a dramatic difference in how you respond to your wife. If organizing every detail of a birthday party is “controlling” then you need to fight or withdraw in anger. If it is protective, you can figure out what worrying her and help her be safe. And once you are helping her, you will have input. Your anger and resentment have helped confirm her fear that the world is unsafe. You may be way more on the outside than you realize.
Maybe this change in definitions seems too simple to really make a difference. One fuels resentment and the other compassion. Sow resentment and you will reap a harvest of resentment. Sow compassion and you will reap love. Which will you choose?
Friday, December 19, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Which Came First? Your Lack of Love or Her Lack of Respect?
Dear Dr. Bill,
I am the husband and father in our family. I take my role very seriously, and I strive to do a good job.
I have found that my wife doesn't respect me. If asked, she would completely deny that, but she acts it out. She constantly questions my disciplinary actions with our children, and she does so in front of them. She allows them to break rules we have set up to keep our house clean, such as keeping food and drink in the kitchen, and the result is a mess everywhere. She'll tell me what to do or how to do something, and then when I tell her to stop telling me what to do, she says she was making a suggestion. She constantly puts down how I feel about things, and tells me I'm wrong for feeling a certain way, and then tears down how I feel debate-style.
I am the main breadwinner, and she works part-time. She doesn't do her share of the housework, given that I work 45-60 hrs/week and she works 20-30.I am tired of being disrespected, and while I'm not interested in divorce, I don't feel like I've got any leverage here. I have tried every way to express how I feel and to communicate the damage it's doing to our family (i.e. how our kids won't listen to me when she's around), but it doesn't seem to change anything. With all the effort I've put in trying to constructively change things, I don't know how to do any more. What do I do? How can I make my wife respect me, given that I've done everything that should cause her to naturally respect me?
Feeling Stuck
Dear Feeling Stuck,
You are stuck in the “Crazy Cycle”. In that cycle, there is a lot of fog. People get stuck there because they can’t clearly see their part. It’s as though a couple is blindfolded standing back to back to one another. One elbow’s the other in the back causing pain and the other reacts by elbowing back. This goes on 100 times and by that point, both people are mad and bruised and asking themselves why the heck does the other keep elbowing them and how can I get them to stop?
You can articulate clearly your wife’s elbow of disrespect painfully hitting your back. Like most of us, it is much harder to understand how our reaction in turn appears to be an unloving elbow in our wife’s back. Our inability to see how our reaction affects our spouse is normal. You obviously feel the sting of disrespect profoundly. As you grapple with your repetitive pain, you grow in resentment and resentment block compassion. The perfect trap. And you are in it. Your pain and resentment ooze out of you and your wife feels it. I promise she does.
Emerson Eggerichs in the book, “Love & Respect ” powerfully argues that Respect is like oxygen to a man, so is love to a woman. That is why in Ephesians it says: “Husbands love your wives, wives respect your husbands.” The “Crazy Cycle” is Husbands deprived of respect won’t love and wives deprived of love, won’t respect.
In your letter you asked me: “How can I make my wife respect me, given that I've done everything that should cause her to naturally respect me?” You can’t “make” her do anything but you can begin to follow the biblical command to love and cherish her and “be patient and kind and not keep records of wrongs” (1Cor 13). In the ideal world you would both simultaneously begin to change your part in the crazy cycle. But one can change the cycle. Read Eggerich’s book and focus only on your part or see a therapist who can encourage both of you to change.
You won’t be stuck anymore.
I am the husband and father in our family. I take my role very seriously, and I strive to do a good job.
I have found that my wife doesn't respect me. If asked, she would completely deny that, but she acts it out. She constantly questions my disciplinary actions with our children, and she does so in front of them. She allows them to break rules we have set up to keep our house clean, such as keeping food and drink in the kitchen, and the result is a mess everywhere. She'll tell me what to do or how to do something, and then when I tell her to stop telling me what to do, she says she was making a suggestion. She constantly puts down how I feel about things, and tells me I'm wrong for feeling a certain way, and then tears down how I feel debate-style.
I am the main breadwinner, and she works part-time. She doesn't do her share of the housework, given that I work 45-60 hrs/week and she works 20-30.I am tired of being disrespected, and while I'm not interested in divorce, I don't feel like I've got any leverage here. I have tried every way to express how I feel and to communicate the damage it's doing to our family (i.e. how our kids won't listen to me when she's around), but it doesn't seem to change anything. With all the effort I've put in trying to constructively change things, I don't know how to do any more. What do I do? How can I make my wife respect me, given that I've done everything that should cause her to naturally respect me?
Feeling Stuck
Dear Feeling Stuck,
You are stuck in the “Crazy Cycle”. In that cycle, there is a lot of fog. People get stuck there because they can’t clearly see their part. It’s as though a couple is blindfolded standing back to back to one another. One elbow’s the other in the back causing pain and the other reacts by elbowing back. This goes on 100 times and by that point, both people are mad and bruised and asking themselves why the heck does the other keep elbowing them and how can I get them to stop?
You can articulate clearly your wife’s elbow of disrespect painfully hitting your back. Like most of us, it is much harder to understand how our reaction in turn appears to be an unloving elbow in our wife’s back. Our inability to see how our reaction affects our spouse is normal. You obviously feel the sting of disrespect profoundly. As you grapple with your repetitive pain, you grow in resentment and resentment block compassion. The perfect trap. And you are in it. Your pain and resentment ooze out of you and your wife feels it. I promise she does.
Emerson Eggerichs in the book, “Love & Respect ” powerfully argues that Respect is like oxygen to a man, so is love to a woman. That is why in Ephesians it says: “Husbands love your wives, wives respect your husbands.” The “Crazy Cycle” is Husbands deprived of respect won’t love and wives deprived of love, won’t respect.
In your letter you asked me: “How can I make my wife respect me, given that I've done everything that should cause her to naturally respect me?” You can’t “make” her do anything but you can begin to follow the biblical command to love and cherish her and “be patient and kind and not keep records of wrongs” (1Cor 13). In the ideal world you would both simultaneously begin to change your part in the crazy cycle. But one can change the cycle. Read Eggerich’s book and focus only on your part or see a therapist who can encourage both of you to change.
You won’t be stuck anymore.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Are You Fighting To Win or Understand?
Dear Dr. Bill
We’ve been married for 15 years and have two kids 12 and 14. We need to learn how to fight better. There is no physical stuff, but we never seem to get anywhere. We both get mad and before we know it, things have gotten worse. It takes days to get over our fights and then they just happen again. I think we’re both walking on egg shells. To be honest, I think my wife fights meaner than I do. She brings up the past and even bashes me with mistakes I have admitted to her. She tells me I am just like my father and that makes me crazy. How do I make her stop? Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
What you are living through is frustrating and it is very damaging to relationships. The patterns you describe erode intimacy and good will in marriages and if left unchecked will often lead to serious damage. The communications dance you and your wife do can be changed, but it will take time as it has become a deeply ingrained habit.
Three things are happening in this dance:
1. Neither spouse is really listening any more
2. The Goal of the argument is victory and not resolution
3. Grace, empathy and benefit of the doubt are low or nonexistent.
I can just hear people saying, no Dr. Bill, I am listening to my spouse, it’s my spouse who doesn’t listen to me. If you pause and think about it, both of you “have heard it all before”. You know “where this is going”. You know what your spouse is about to say. If any of that is true, you aren’t fully listening. And the truth is you are figuring out how to respond to this jerk, and while you are doing so, you cannot fully attend to what your souse is saying.
Which leads us to the second thing going on in your dance: The goal is not understanding or resolution, it is to be right and to win. You argue as in a debate not as in a discussion. In a debate the goal is to win. In a discussion, the goal is understanding. These are two very different forms of interaction. You may decide to have a healthy debate with your spouse about the war in Iraq, but you should never debate one another’s needs, feelings, behaviors and especially character. The latter should always be mutual discussions with a goal of understanding.
Finally, ask yourself how much grace, empathy and benefit of the doubt is really going on in your arguments. Zero? Probably.
Nearly every couple I see for counseling tells me that a part of their troubles has to do with communication. All of them can communicate well, when the want to. If fact, communication which includes the three elements listed above communicate perfectly that we no longer really trust or are willing to try to partner with our spouse. You may as well thumb your nose at your partner if you communicate this way.
And one person can change this dance. Tell your self you will have a goal of understanding your spouse. You don’t have to agree just better understand. Search for the truth in what they say not the errors. Pause. Tell them you will consider what they have said. Pray for the strength to approach them with grace. Respectfully take a brief time out if you need it. Having done that, the dance will already have changed. In time, your spouse will likely follow. One thing is certain, the old dance not only doesn’t work but it is damaging your marriage. Change your part today.
We’ve been married for 15 years and have two kids 12 and 14. We need to learn how to fight better. There is no physical stuff, but we never seem to get anywhere. We both get mad and before we know it, things have gotten worse. It takes days to get over our fights and then they just happen again. I think we’re both walking on egg shells. To be honest, I think my wife fights meaner than I do. She brings up the past and even bashes me with mistakes I have admitted to her. She tells me I am just like my father and that makes me crazy. How do I make her stop? Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
What you are living through is frustrating and it is very damaging to relationships. The patterns you describe erode intimacy and good will in marriages and if left unchecked will often lead to serious damage. The communications dance you and your wife do can be changed, but it will take time as it has become a deeply ingrained habit.
Three things are happening in this dance:
1. Neither spouse is really listening any more
2. The Goal of the argument is victory and not resolution
3. Grace, empathy and benefit of the doubt are low or nonexistent.
I can just hear people saying, no Dr. Bill, I am listening to my spouse, it’s my spouse who doesn’t listen to me. If you pause and think about it, both of you “have heard it all before”. You know “where this is going”. You know what your spouse is about to say. If any of that is true, you aren’t fully listening. And the truth is you are figuring out how to respond to this jerk, and while you are doing so, you cannot fully attend to what your souse is saying.
Which leads us to the second thing going on in your dance: The goal is not understanding or resolution, it is to be right and to win. You argue as in a debate not as in a discussion. In a debate the goal is to win. In a discussion, the goal is understanding. These are two very different forms of interaction. You may decide to have a healthy debate with your spouse about the war in Iraq, but you should never debate one another’s needs, feelings, behaviors and especially character. The latter should always be mutual discussions with a goal of understanding.
Finally, ask yourself how much grace, empathy and benefit of the doubt is really going on in your arguments. Zero? Probably.
Nearly every couple I see for counseling tells me that a part of their troubles has to do with communication. All of them can communicate well, when the want to. If fact, communication which includes the three elements listed above communicate perfectly that we no longer really trust or are willing to try to partner with our spouse. You may as well thumb your nose at your partner if you communicate this way.
And one person can change this dance. Tell your self you will have a goal of understanding your spouse. You don’t have to agree just better understand. Search for the truth in what they say not the errors. Pause. Tell them you will consider what they have said. Pray for the strength to approach them with grace. Respectfully take a brief time out if you need it. Having done that, the dance will already have changed. In time, your spouse will likely follow. One thing is certain, the old dance not only doesn’t work but it is damaging your marriage. Change your part today.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
There is Hope: People Do Change
Dear Dr. Bill,
You answered my letter two months ago. My husband had recently told me he wasn’t “in-love” with me any more. He complained I hadn’t cared about his feelings, particularly in my lack of enthusiasm for love-making. I was hurt and shocked but after praying, my heart softened and even though my husband hadn’t been meeting my needs, I decided I would do my best to meet his. I changed our sex life in one week and felt good about it. While my marriage is still not perfect, I believe we are growing closer together. No only has my heart softened but it seems his has too. You see, this past weekend, he not only told me he loved me, but he said he was “in-love” with me too. I just wanted you to know. Signed Transformed.
Dear Transformed,
I am thrilled you wrote again. While I believe some will say you acted in weakness, I believe you acted in strength. It takes strength to go first. It takes strength to turn the other cheek. You had the opportunity to sow love and I believe you are reaping the rewards. May God continue to bless your marriage.
Dear Dr. Bill,
My husband’s sense of humor hurts me. Maybe I am being too sensitive, but he often jokes at my expense in front of his friends and relatives. Somebody will comment about his hair cut and he jokes that he did it “to make my wife mad”. He says he didn’t mean anything, but it hurts that he seems to be telling others he doesn’t care about me or blaming me for decisions he is uncomfortable with. I’ve asked him to stop many times but he just laughs and continues. Is there anything I can do? Signed Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
We do the dumbest things to our spouses. Women do this too but I see men do it more often. Your husband is covering his insecurity by making macho “I don’t give a damn” comments to his friends. Many men have been erroneously taught that looking tough, independent, insensitive, and emotionless is a way to be cool and look strong. In fact it’s just a dodge to cover up their own fears. Ironically, it takes strength and courage for a man to show emotion and be kind. True masculinity includes the courage to cry.
Frankly, your husband is not likely to change this behavior until he is willing to see what’s beneath it and he will not likely hear it from you. Try to find comfort in the fact that it is not about you. If you haven’t done this already, speak to him in terms of your feelings only and not his behavior. Don’t say “I hate it when you . . .”. Instead, say it in a way he may be able to hear by speaking softly and telling him you know he doesn’t mean to and he may be just joking, but it hurts your feelings when he kids that way. It would mean a lot to you if he would try to stop. Ask him as though you are asking for the first time. Even if he wants to change, it would be a habit that will be hard to break. Find ways to be an encourager about the things he does that you do appreciate. Pray that his heart be convicted. People do grow and change. Thank God for that.
You answered my letter two months ago. My husband had recently told me he wasn’t “in-love” with me any more. He complained I hadn’t cared about his feelings, particularly in my lack of enthusiasm for love-making. I was hurt and shocked but after praying, my heart softened and even though my husband hadn’t been meeting my needs, I decided I would do my best to meet his. I changed our sex life in one week and felt good about it. While my marriage is still not perfect, I believe we are growing closer together. No only has my heart softened but it seems his has too. You see, this past weekend, he not only told me he loved me, but he said he was “in-love” with me too. I just wanted you to know. Signed Transformed.
Dear Transformed,
I am thrilled you wrote again. While I believe some will say you acted in weakness, I believe you acted in strength. It takes strength to go first. It takes strength to turn the other cheek. You had the opportunity to sow love and I believe you are reaping the rewards. May God continue to bless your marriage.
Dear Dr. Bill,
My husband’s sense of humor hurts me. Maybe I am being too sensitive, but he often jokes at my expense in front of his friends and relatives. Somebody will comment about his hair cut and he jokes that he did it “to make my wife mad”. He says he didn’t mean anything, but it hurts that he seems to be telling others he doesn’t care about me or blaming me for decisions he is uncomfortable with. I’ve asked him to stop many times but he just laughs and continues. Is there anything I can do? Signed Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
We do the dumbest things to our spouses. Women do this too but I see men do it more often. Your husband is covering his insecurity by making macho “I don’t give a damn” comments to his friends. Many men have been erroneously taught that looking tough, independent, insensitive, and emotionless is a way to be cool and look strong. In fact it’s just a dodge to cover up their own fears. Ironically, it takes strength and courage for a man to show emotion and be kind. True masculinity includes the courage to cry.
Frankly, your husband is not likely to change this behavior until he is willing to see what’s beneath it and he will not likely hear it from you. Try to find comfort in the fact that it is not about you. If you haven’t done this already, speak to him in terms of your feelings only and not his behavior. Don’t say “I hate it when you . . .”. Instead, say it in a way he may be able to hear by speaking softly and telling him you know he doesn’t mean to and he may be just joking, but it hurts your feelings when he kids that way. It would mean a lot to you if he would try to stop. Ask him as though you are asking for the first time. Even if he wants to change, it would be a habit that will be hard to break. Find ways to be an encourager about the things he does that you do appreciate. Pray that his heart be convicted. People do grow and change. Thank God for that.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Loving Complaints Require Self Examination
Dear Dr. Bill,
I don’t get it. What am I supposed to do when my wife hurts my feelings? How do I let her know she’s done something wrong? It seems every time I go to her with a legitimate complaint, she just gets mad and then I get mad. I do my best to say it nicely and it never works. She says I’m critical and that the Bible says I should be patient and kind and not nit pick at her. I say we need to have good communication and I have a right to express my feelings. Who is right? What can I do? We’ve been married only two years and this is not helping our marriage.
Dear Frustrated,
You have a common dilemma. Many marriages of much longer duration are struggling with the same basic question. I hope this will help. Lets say your wife has just embarrassed you in front of your best friend and you want to discuss this with her.
Step One: What is your motivation? Its hard to be honest about this one. Often, our primary goal is to let our spouse know how wrong they were. We’ve been hurt and simply want to issue a strong reprimand. We give them some of the pain they caused us back to them in the form of anger. We may also want to punish them for what they’ve done. We want them to know how wrong they were so they won’t hurt us again. Right? While these are understandable human motivations, they are not founded in love, and leave out the heart of our spouse and they will never lead to a closer more loving relationship. I think the goal should be restoration and mutual growth. This goal changes everything.
Step Two: Own Your Part. Ask yourself what was going on in you when the incident occurred. Are you sensitive to embarrassment or criticism? Do you care too much what others think? Are you defensive? Look for the part in you that made this event even harder than it might have been. Even if she was clearly wrong, how did your temperament make it even harder. Hint: If it was uncomfortable enough for you to want to confront your wife over it, your buttons were very likely pushed. Your buttons are your soft spots.
Step Three: Speak the Truth in Love. This is not easy and is almost impossible while you are angry. Cool off. Wait an hour or longer. You must have a soft start. Don’t begin with an harsh language. “I need to tell you how wrong you were last night” will rarely lead to a mutually loving conversation. Start with an expression of hope and love. “I love you and want us to grow closer together.” Follow immediately with ownership. “I’m far from perfect and know I’m not the best at hearing criticism” “My stuff is involved here too, this is not just about you”. The next ingredient is benefit of the doubt. “You probably didn’t mean it this way, but when you said__________, it really hurt my feelings.
Even when I’m 99.9% sure they did it on purpose, I’m often wrong about their motivations and benefit of the doubt helps them hear what I’m saying without getting defensive. The next ingredient is forgiveness. “I do love you and forgive you and I won’t hold this against you or remind you of it”. The final ingredient is your own apology. What you say? She hurt me! True but I’d say about 95% of the time, we sin in response to being hurt. “I want you to know that I’m sorry I got so mad” “I’m sorry I pouted all afternoon”. “I’m sorry I reacted so strongly.” Generally, you won’t have to dig very deeply to find your unloving response.
These steps are not easy in the beginning. They require practice. There is no guarantee your spouse will respond perfectly, but you will be doing the right thing. In time, she will grow to trust your motives and not brace herself for your discussions. Blessings in your journey
I don’t get it. What am I supposed to do when my wife hurts my feelings? How do I let her know she’s done something wrong? It seems every time I go to her with a legitimate complaint, she just gets mad and then I get mad. I do my best to say it nicely and it never works. She says I’m critical and that the Bible says I should be patient and kind and not nit pick at her. I say we need to have good communication and I have a right to express my feelings. Who is right? What can I do? We’ve been married only two years and this is not helping our marriage.
Dear Frustrated,
You have a common dilemma. Many marriages of much longer duration are struggling with the same basic question. I hope this will help. Lets say your wife has just embarrassed you in front of your best friend and you want to discuss this with her.
Step One: What is your motivation? Its hard to be honest about this one. Often, our primary goal is to let our spouse know how wrong they were. We’ve been hurt and simply want to issue a strong reprimand. We give them some of the pain they caused us back to them in the form of anger. We may also want to punish them for what they’ve done. We want them to know how wrong they were so they won’t hurt us again. Right? While these are understandable human motivations, they are not founded in love, and leave out the heart of our spouse and they will never lead to a closer more loving relationship. I think the goal should be restoration and mutual growth. This goal changes everything.
Step Two: Own Your Part. Ask yourself what was going on in you when the incident occurred. Are you sensitive to embarrassment or criticism? Do you care too much what others think? Are you defensive? Look for the part in you that made this event even harder than it might have been. Even if she was clearly wrong, how did your temperament make it even harder. Hint: If it was uncomfortable enough for you to want to confront your wife over it, your buttons were very likely pushed. Your buttons are your soft spots.
Step Three: Speak the Truth in Love. This is not easy and is almost impossible while you are angry. Cool off. Wait an hour or longer. You must have a soft start. Don’t begin with an harsh language. “I need to tell you how wrong you were last night” will rarely lead to a mutually loving conversation. Start with an expression of hope and love. “I love you and want us to grow closer together.” Follow immediately with ownership. “I’m far from perfect and know I’m not the best at hearing criticism” “My stuff is involved here too, this is not just about you”. The next ingredient is benefit of the doubt. “You probably didn’t mean it this way, but when you said__________, it really hurt my feelings.
Even when I’m 99.9% sure they did it on purpose, I’m often wrong about their motivations and benefit of the doubt helps them hear what I’m saying without getting defensive. The next ingredient is forgiveness. “I do love you and forgive you and I won’t hold this against you or remind you of it”. The final ingredient is your own apology. What you say? She hurt me! True but I’d say about 95% of the time, we sin in response to being hurt. “I want you to know that I’m sorry I got so mad” “I’m sorry I pouted all afternoon”. “I’m sorry I reacted so strongly.” Generally, you won’t have to dig very deeply to find your unloving response.
These steps are not easy in the beginning. They require practice. There is no guarantee your spouse will respond perfectly, but you will be doing the right thing. In time, she will grow to trust your motives and not brace herself for your discussions. Blessings in your journey
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Bag the therapist who suggests divorce is best
Dear Dr. Bill,
Early this year, my husband of 12 years told me one evening that he was unhappy in our marriage. The spark was gone and though he loved me, he wasn’t sure he was “in love” with me anymore. In fact, he wasn’t sure he ever felt that way. I was devastated. We have two beautiful children and my world started crashing around me. Eventually we went to counseling. And that’s when it got worse. The counselor, who said he was a Christian, essentially told my husband he had a right to seek happiness, and that sometimes meant ending a marriage. That was just what my husband needed to hear. It wasn’t just permission from a “professional”, it provided support to my husband’s premise that ending the marriage and finding his “true love” might lead to happiness. Now my husband is living in the basement and waiting for me to give up. I don’t think he wants to file for fear of what people will say. Living like this is killing me. What can I do? I feel so defeated.
Dear Defeated,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I want to respond to your question, but first I have to address marriage counselors who take a neutral or even negative position on marriage. There ought to be a warning label on marriage counseling which says: “This counseling may be dangerous to your marriage”. I simply cannot understand how any therapist can justify a position which espouses that leaving a marriage is a route to happiness. We know that divorce does not solve our personal quest for happiness. Our own healing and growth is the only known pathway for self-acceptance and peace with ourselves. And happiness will not come without the work we need to do. Suggesting divorce will lead to happiness is like telling a cancer patient that a new sports car will solve their problems. While that new Lambroghini may help that person forget their pain for a few days, the cancer eating at them will still be there. I understand that therapists are taught not to impose their values on clients. I also understand that divorce is a decision that only my clients can make. But I have had clients who think that jumping off a bridge will make them happy. I am not neutral about that decision because I know the consequences of it. I am also not neutral about divorce because I know it doesn’t solve anything and the consequences are generational and negative. The kids won’t be better and the adults won’t be better either. Divorce is usually running and it doesn’t solve any core problems. What’s worse is that unhappy people are desperate to be happy, and the last thing they need is the “impression” from a professional that divorce will help.
You need to know that it’s not too late for your marriage. It only takes one to Tango. We do “Marriage Counseling For One” all the time helping spouses in your position fight for their marriage. In your hurt and rejection, you have understandably reacted to your husband in ways which likely confirm his fears. As you build cold protective walls, his desperation will increase, not decrease. Quietly make the decision to work on your part. Where can you grow and heal? There is not an exemption in 1Corinthian 13’s unconditional love for your situation. In fact it is needed more than ever. Pray your husband’s heart will change. I have seen many many case where a hopeless marriage turned around, and when it was least expected. Pray God gives you the strength to persevere. Blessings in your journey
Early this year, my husband of 12 years told me one evening that he was unhappy in our marriage. The spark was gone and though he loved me, he wasn’t sure he was “in love” with me anymore. In fact, he wasn’t sure he ever felt that way. I was devastated. We have two beautiful children and my world started crashing around me. Eventually we went to counseling. And that’s when it got worse. The counselor, who said he was a Christian, essentially told my husband he had a right to seek happiness, and that sometimes meant ending a marriage. That was just what my husband needed to hear. It wasn’t just permission from a “professional”, it provided support to my husband’s premise that ending the marriage and finding his “true love” might lead to happiness. Now my husband is living in the basement and waiting for me to give up. I don’t think he wants to file for fear of what people will say. Living like this is killing me. What can I do? I feel so defeated.
Dear Defeated,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I want to respond to your question, but first I have to address marriage counselors who take a neutral or even negative position on marriage. There ought to be a warning label on marriage counseling which says: “This counseling may be dangerous to your marriage”. I simply cannot understand how any therapist can justify a position which espouses that leaving a marriage is a route to happiness. We know that divorce does not solve our personal quest for happiness. Our own healing and growth is the only known pathway for self-acceptance and peace with ourselves. And happiness will not come without the work we need to do. Suggesting divorce will lead to happiness is like telling a cancer patient that a new sports car will solve their problems. While that new Lambroghini may help that person forget their pain for a few days, the cancer eating at them will still be there. I understand that therapists are taught not to impose their values on clients. I also understand that divorce is a decision that only my clients can make. But I have had clients who think that jumping off a bridge will make them happy. I am not neutral about that decision because I know the consequences of it. I am also not neutral about divorce because I know it doesn’t solve anything and the consequences are generational and negative. The kids won’t be better and the adults won’t be better either. Divorce is usually running and it doesn’t solve any core problems. What’s worse is that unhappy people are desperate to be happy, and the last thing they need is the “impression” from a professional that divorce will help.
You need to know that it’s not too late for your marriage. It only takes one to Tango. We do “Marriage Counseling For One” all the time helping spouses in your position fight for their marriage. In your hurt and rejection, you have understandably reacted to your husband in ways which likely confirm his fears. As you build cold protective walls, his desperation will increase, not decrease. Quietly make the decision to work on your part. Where can you grow and heal? There is not an exemption in 1Corinthian 13’s unconditional love for your situation. In fact it is needed more than ever. Pray your husband’s heart will change. I have seen many many case where a hopeless marriage turned around, and when it was least expected. Pray God gives you the strength to persevere. Blessings in your journey
Monday, April 23, 2007
Empathy: A Tool To Repair Heated Marriages
Dear Dr. Bill:
My husband’s family is weird. We don’t even talk to his dad anymore as he has been so mean to us and our kids. It is sad my husband has had to give up that relationship, but nearly every contact with him was painful. His mom is a little better. In the beginning of our marriage, she completely ignored me and has made countless rude comments since. She visits each summer for a week or two. I am pleasant to her while she visits but I look forward to her leaving. My husband leaves for work each day and I need to have her around while he is gone. Its not easy. Yesterday, my husband and I were talking and I mentioned that I’d be glad when her visit was over. He blew up at me telling me I always hold onto the past and never forgive. I feel I have been extremely patient with his mom and had a right to express my feeling. I just wanted some sympathy. Now we’re both mad. Help.
Dear Frustrated Couple:
I can just imagine how you both might be feeling. I’m going to call you Fred and Martha. Fred is tired of hearing complaints about his mom. When he hears Martha’s comments he “feels” guilty and responsible. Like he’s supposed to do something and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s already given up a relationship with his father and he doesn’t want to have to give up his mother as well. Because he hears Martha’s comments as criticism, he reacts in anger. His brain literally is responding to an attack. And his response is the most “effective” kind because it’s a counter-attack. The “real” problem is Martha won’t forgive. This kind of counter-attack is an effective distraction but will never end with anything but very hard feelings. Martha on the other hand just wants a sympathetic ear. Babysitting the mother-in-law is no picnic, even though she has mellowed a bit. I suspect she resents that Fred goes off to work and leaves her to deal with “mom”. When she expresses how happy she will be when this visit is over, she’s not really thinking about Fred’s feelings. And when he blows up, and blames her for the problem, the conversation is over and she shuts down.
These interactions in marriage are all too common and sometimes they happen in an instant and the damage is done. The good news is you can repair what happened is a profound way if you are willing. Fred and Martha, you need a huge dose of empathy to repair this event. I believe we can learn to be empathetic if we will try. Anger and frustration blocks empathy in the heated exchange, but if you will let a little time pass you can literally crawl into the other person’s shoes. Why was that exchange so hard for them? What were they trying to say? What did they need? Why was it hard for me? How patient and kind was my response? Answer those questions, swallow your pride, and go back to your spouse in empathy. Fred: “Honey, I know it’s not easy having mom here. I’m sorry I over-reacted. It’s hard for me because I think I hear you wanting me to fix it and I don’t know how. I appreciate your patience with her.” Martha: “I know it’s hard for you. Especially having severed your relationship with your dad. Your mom is all you have left. Most of the time, I just want to be heard. You don’t have to do anything. I’ll try to express my feelings about your mom with a little more sensitivity for yours.”
Love is patient and kind. (1Cor 13). Even if you blow it, repair with kindness and empathy, and you can prevent damage and build understanding.
Dear Dr. Bill:
My husband’s family is weird. We don’t even talk to his dad anymore as he has been so mean to us and our kids. It is sad my husband has had to give up that relationship, but nearly every contact with him was painful. His mom is a little better. In the beginning of our marriage, she completely ignored me and has made countless rude comments since. She visits each summer for a week or two. I am pleasant to her while she visits but I look forward to her leaving. My husband leaves for work each day and I need to have her around while he is gone. Its not easy. Yesterday, my husband and I were talking and I mentioned that I’d be glad when her visit was over. He blew up at me telling me I always hold onto the past and never forgive. I feel I have been extremely patient with his mom and had a right to express my feeling. I just wanted some sympathy. Now we’re both mad. Help.
Dear Frustrated Couple:
I can just imagine how you both might be feeling. I’m going to call you Fred and Martha. Fred is tired of hearing complaints about his mom. When he hears Martha’s comments he “feels” guilty and responsible. Like he’s supposed to do something and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s already given up a relationship with his father and he doesn’t want to have to give up his mother as well. Because he hears Martha’s comments as criticism, he reacts in anger. His brain literally is responding to an attack. And his response is the most “effective” kind because it’s a counter-attack. The “real” problem is Martha won’t forgive. This kind of counter-attack is an effective distraction but will never end with anything but very hard feelings. Martha on the other hand just wants a sympathetic ear. Babysitting the mother-in-law is no picnic, even though she has mellowed a bit. I suspect she resents that Fred goes off to work and leaves her to deal with “mom”. When she expresses how happy she will be when this visit is over, she’s not really thinking about Fred’s feelings. And when he blows up, and blames her for the problem, the conversation is over and she shuts down.
These interactions in marriage are all too common and sometimes they happen in an instant and the damage is done. The good news is you can repair what happened is a profound way if you are willing. Fred and Martha, you need a huge dose of empathy to repair this event. I believe we can learn to be empathetic if we will try. Anger and frustration blocks empathy in the heated exchange, but if you will let a little time pass you can literally crawl into the other person’s shoes. Why was that exchange so hard for them? What were they trying to say? What did they need? Why was it hard for me? How patient and kind was my response? Answer those questions, swallow your pride, and go back to your spouse in empathy. Fred: “Honey, I know it’s not easy having mom here. I’m sorry I over-reacted. It’s hard for me because I think I hear you wanting me to fix it and I don’t know how. I appreciate your patience with her.” Martha: “I know it’s hard for you. Especially having severed your relationship with your dad. Your mom is all you have left. Most of the time, I just want to be heard. You don’t have to do anything. I’ll try to express my feelings about your mom with a little more sensitivity for yours.”
Love is patient and kind. (1Cor 13). Even if you blow it, repair with kindness and empathy, and you can prevent damage and build understanding.
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