Are You Fighting To Win or Understand?

Dear Dr. Bill

We’ve been married for 15 years and have two kids 12 and 14. We need to learn how to fight better. There is no physical stuff, but we never seem to get anywhere. We both get mad and before we know it, things have gotten worse. It takes days to get over our fights and then they just happen again. I think we’re both walking on egg shells. To be honest, I think my wife fights meaner than I do. She brings up the past and even bashes me with mistakes I have admitted to her. She tells me I am just like my father and that makes me crazy. How do I make her stop? Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

What you are living through is frustrating and it is very damaging to relationships. The patterns you describe erode intimacy and good will in marriages and if left unchecked will often lead to serious damage. The communications dance you and your wife do can be changed, but it will take time as it has become a deeply ingrained habit.

Three things are happening in this dance:
1. Neither spouse is really listening any more
2. The Goal of the argument is victory and not resolution
3. Grace, empathy and benefit of the doubt are low or nonexistent.

I can just hear people saying, no Dr. Bill, I am listening to my spouse, it’s my spouse who doesn’t listen to me. If you pause and think about it, both of you “have heard it all before”. You know “where this is going”. You know what your spouse is about to say. If any of that is true, you aren’t fully listening. And the truth is you are figuring out how to respond to this jerk, and while you are doing so, you cannot fully attend to what your souse is saying.

Which leads us to the second thing going on in your dance: The goal is not understanding or resolution, it is to be right and to win. You argue as in a debate not as in a discussion. In a debate the goal is to win. In a discussion, the goal is understanding. These are two very different forms of interaction. You may decide to have a healthy debate with your spouse about the war in Iraq, but you should never debate one another’s needs, feelings, behaviors and especially character. The latter should always be mutual discussions with a goal of understanding.

Finally, ask yourself how much grace, empathy and benefit of the doubt is really going on in your arguments. Zero? Probably.

Nearly every couple I see for counseling tells me that a part of their troubles has to do with communication. All of them can communicate well, when the want to. If fact, communication which includes the three elements listed above communicate perfectly that we no longer really trust or are willing to try to partner with our spouse. You may as well thumb your nose at your partner if you communicate this way.

And one person can change this dance. Tell your self you will have a goal of understanding your spouse. You don’t have to agree just better understand. Search for the truth in what they say not the errors. Pause. Tell them you will consider what they have said. Pray for the strength to approach them with grace. Respectfully take a brief time out if you need it. Having done that, the dance will already have changed. In time, your spouse will likely follow. One thing is certain, the old dance not only doesn’t work but it is damaging your marriage. Change your part today.