Divorce: Taking a Stand with More Grace

Phone Message to Dr. Bill,

I just had to call after reading your column on divorce. I want you to know how much I appreciate your standing up for marriage. It is very important people wake-up to the damage divorce causes and I so appreciate your courage in taking a firm stand. Blessings to you. Un-named woman

I received a total of two comments on my last column “Divorce: A False Promise For Wounded Souls”. The one above and the other through a letter to the editor. That writer found my reply “smug, condescending and without empathy”. She wonders if I am really a Christian based upon my “self-righteous, unforgiving tone”. And though I have mentioned it here before, she implies that my own history of divorce should have been acknowledged.

I prefer the compliments over the condemnations but we learn more from failure than from success

I re-read my column and I can see why some would be offended. It was blunt, sometimes harsh and without nearly enough grace and for that I apologize for those who were hurt.

It hurt me to read the letter because my career is devoted to helping people and not hurting them. I spend almost every day trying to help people get on the other side of their marital pain. I exhort them. I encourage them to hang in there. I have been thanked countless times by individuals who are glad I helped them persevere through the hard times to the healing of their marriage. That was the intent of my message. As I said in my column, I am sick of divorce and the affect it has on all the lives I've seen. That includes mine as well.

Long before I was a Psychologist my first marriage ended in divorce. It was a marriage I did not want to end and it was the most painful experience of my life. My four children have paid a price they should not have had to pay for their parent’s mistakes and unwillingness to persevere and heal. Eight years later, I have seen the lasting impact which one cannot see in the midst or shortly after divorce. During my divorce, I began 8 years of training including two graduate degrees to become a Psychologist.

My oldest daughter once sent me a quote which said “Our ministries are birthed in our pain”. How true this was.

My column was meant to encourage those battling for their marriages and not to condemn those who choose divorce or feel they have no options but divorce. It was to speak to those who feel like they can’t stand it another day, that there is still hope. To say that healing and growth and change may still be possible and God can give you the strength to stand for another day. I see people all the time change in ways that could have never been expected.

I believe in my stand on divorce but I do sincerely regret that I didn’t find a way to show more empathy and grace in my last column.

We learn from our mistakes and move on. The crucible of marriage is almost always painful at times. I expect that part of the rest of my life will be devoted to helping couples through difficult times. May God grant me the skills to do so with grace and wisdom.

Divorce: A False Promise For Wounded Souls

Dear Dr. Bill,

I am a Christian and I am reluctantly filing for divorce. There isn’t enough room here to describe the misery of my 10 year marriage. My children, my husband and I deserve better. While I know God hates divorce, I also believe He is a loving God who wouldn’t want me to be this miserable. We have both made mistakes but I feel like I cannot live another day facing my husband’s quiet disdain. I have sought Godly counsel and my closest friends reluctantly agree with my conclusion. It is time to move on. God has a good life for me and my children. Don’t I deserve grace and mercy? Signed: Wanting Peace

Dear Wanting,

I feel your pain has become such a cliché but I can truly imagine what you are going through. The hurt is palpable. I think very little is worse than marital pain. Of course you deserve grace and mercy. I can understand why your friends are supporting your decision.

I just believe they are wrong. In trying to help you they are buying into a short-term solution which will solve nothing and lead to more long term pain. I know you can’t see that from your vantage point.

You are going down the path that has become society’s new standard.

We don't get along. We are hurt. We feel wronged. We are scared. It is too hard to do anymore. We'll get divorced and find peace. God will forgive and bless us. We have decided divorce is the better way. It is expedient.

And that’s just bull.

The only reason I fight for marriages is because I believe the “divorce solution” is not a solution at all. I do not wish you misery. I wish you a healed marriage.

You won't be better off. You won't have healing. You will be financially and spiritually poorer. You will likely be more (if that is possible) bitter. You will be alone or in a not so “blended” family. You will add to the divorce legacy of Christians. You will affirm your children's view that marriage is for the good times and not for when things get too tough. You will be a cogent testimony to ALL who know you about how limited God is and how utterly meaningless His word is to you.

Just on the other side of all this pain is healing that you will never see. There is a path that God will bless you for taking. There is forgiveness and healing and victory. It is harder in the short term but such a tremendous blessing over the long haul.

But everyone knows better. Most are so arrogant or blind that they will choose short-term relief and ignore what God has for them. You are in the process of breaking a vow you made before God. You each made it. It is not a vow that is void when the other of you fails. It’s a unilateral promise you made to God and now you say to hell with it.

I am mad. I am angry. I am sick to death of how casually we are now taking divorce. Friends don't let friends jump off a cliff without trying desperately to stop them. I believe you are being led to more darkness and not light. It would only take one of you to decide to say no to divorce. One of you to fight. One of you to not give up. It is not too late. Get help. One person can profoundly change a marriage. Don’t say it because “you haven’t tried everything!”