The Label You Choose For Your Spouse Changes Everything

Dear Dr. Bill,

I can’t figure my wife out. Why does she have to be so controlling? She must be in charge of everything. She decides what we will do and when we will do it. Its her way or the highway with the way we parent our children, spend money and even the way we have birthday parties for the kids. And she gets extremely mad when things don’t go her way. I’ve simply given up trying to have a say. The price I have to pay for challenging her is just too great. But I do resent it and often find myself seething inside. So saying yes all the time makes me mad and saying no makes her mad. There must be a way to do this differently. Signed Controlled and hating it.

Dear Afraid,

I know you signed your letter differently, but the “my spouse in controlling” is an overused label which has lost all meaning. I propose we ban the use of the word controlling in relationship discussions. It takes on a life of its own. Once a spouse has been pegged with that label, it becomes all too easy to categorize their every behavior with the “controlling” label. “Your too controlling” never results in constructive change in a marriage. Its sophisticated name calling and nothing else. You have a much better chance of getting change if you ask for specific change in a behavior rather than challenging someone’s character.

In your mind, convert the word controlling to protective. People who carefully organize events around them are not power hungry but afraid. Their brains have learned long ago, that when events get out of hand, things go very wrong. They organize to try to prevent hurt and pain. And her anger is the external expression of pain or fear. She gets angry (afraid) that things may not go as planned because there may be embarrassing (painful) consequences.

So she’s very busy trying to make her world safe and you see that as a threat (fear) and either fight her or withdraw (fear-avoiding conflict). But either way you are angry (pain) and she must feel alone.

Control means “exercise authority over”. Protect means “shield from attack, harm or injury”. Which label you choose makes a dramatic difference in how you respond to your wife. If organizing every detail of a birthday party is “controlling” then you need to fight or withdraw in anger. If it is protective, you can figure out what worrying her and help her be safe. And once you are helping her, you will have input. Your anger and resentment have helped confirm her fear that the world is unsafe. You may be way more on the outside than you realize.

Maybe this change in definitions seems too simple to really make a difference. One fuels resentment and the other compassion. Sow resentment and you will reap a harvest of resentment. Sow compassion and you will reap love. Which will you choose?