Dear Dr. Bill,
I can’t figure my wife out. Why does she have to be so controlling? She must be in charge of everything. She decides what we will do and when we will do it. Its her way or the highway with the way we parent our children, spend money and even the way we have birthday parties for the kids. And she gets extremely mad when things don’t go her way. I’ve simply given up trying to have a say. The price I have to pay for challenging her is just too great. But I do resent it and often find myself seething inside. So saying yes all the time makes me mad and saying no makes her mad. There must be a way to do this differently. Signed Controlled and hating it.
Dear Afraid,
I know you signed your letter differently, but the “my spouse in controlling” is an overused label which has lost all meaning. I propose we ban the use of the word controlling in relationship discussions. It takes on a life of its own. Once a spouse has been pegged with that label, it becomes all too easy to categorize their every behavior with the “controlling” label. “Your too controlling” never results in constructive change in a marriage. Its sophisticated name calling and nothing else. You have a much better chance of getting change if you ask for specific change in a behavior rather than challenging someone’s character.
In your mind, convert the word controlling to protective. People who carefully organize events around them are not power hungry but afraid. Their brains have learned long ago, that when events get out of hand, things go very wrong. They organize to try to prevent hurt and pain. And her anger is the external expression of pain or fear. She gets angry (afraid) that things may not go as planned because there may be embarrassing (painful) consequences.
So she’s very busy trying to make her world safe and you see that as a threat (fear) and either fight her or withdraw (fear-avoiding conflict). But either way you are angry (pain) and she must feel alone.
Control means “exercise authority over”. Protect means “shield from attack, harm or injury”. Which label you choose makes a dramatic difference in how you respond to your wife. If organizing every detail of a birthday party is “controlling” then you need to fight or withdraw in anger. If it is protective, you can figure out what worrying her and help her be safe. And once you are helping her, you will have input. Your anger and resentment have helped confirm her fear that the world is unsafe. You may be way more on the outside than you realize.
Maybe this change in definitions seems too simple to really make a difference. One fuels resentment and the other compassion. Sow resentment and you will reap a harvest of resentment. Sow compassion and you will reap love. Which will you choose?
Friday, December 19, 2008
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Which Came First? Your Lack of Love or Her Lack of Respect?
Dear Dr. Bill,
I am the husband and father in our family. I take my role very seriously, and I strive to do a good job.
I have found that my wife doesn't respect me. If asked, she would completely deny that, but she acts it out. She constantly questions my disciplinary actions with our children, and she does so in front of them. She allows them to break rules we have set up to keep our house clean, such as keeping food and drink in the kitchen, and the result is a mess everywhere. She'll tell me what to do or how to do something, and then when I tell her to stop telling me what to do, she says she was making a suggestion. She constantly puts down how I feel about things, and tells me I'm wrong for feeling a certain way, and then tears down how I feel debate-style.
I am the main breadwinner, and she works part-time. She doesn't do her share of the housework, given that I work 45-60 hrs/week and she works 20-30.I am tired of being disrespected, and while I'm not interested in divorce, I don't feel like I've got any leverage here. I have tried every way to express how I feel and to communicate the damage it's doing to our family (i.e. how our kids won't listen to me when she's around), but it doesn't seem to change anything. With all the effort I've put in trying to constructively change things, I don't know how to do any more. What do I do? How can I make my wife respect me, given that I've done everything that should cause her to naturally respect me?
Feeling Stuck
Dear Feeling Stuck,
You are stuck in the “Crazy Cycle”. In that cycle, there is a lot of fog. People get stuck there because they can’t clearly see their part. It’s as though a couple is blindfolded standing back to back to one another. One elbow’s the other in the back causing pain and the other reacts by elbowing back. This goes on 100 times and by that point, both people are mad and bruised and asking themselves why the heck does the other keep elbowing them and how can I get them to stop?
You can articulate clearly your wife’s elbow of disrespect painfully hitting your back. Like most of us, it is much harder to understand how our reaction in turn appears to be an unloving elbow in our wife’s back. Our inability to see how our reaction affects our spouse is normal. You obviously feel the sting of disrespect profoundly. As you grapple with your repetitive pain, you grow in resentment and resentment block compassion. The perfect trap. And you are in it. Your pain and resentment ooze out of you and your wife feels it. I promise she does.
Emerson Eggerichs in the book, “Love & Respect ” powerfully argues that Respect is like oxygen to a man, so is love to a woman. That is why in Ephesians it says: “Husbands love your wives, wives respect your husbands.” The “Crazy Cycle” is Husbands deprived of respect won’t love and wives deprived of love, won’t respect.
In your letter you asked me: “How can I make my wife respect me, given that I've done everything that should cause her to naturally respect me?” You can’t “make” her do anything but you can begin to follow the biblical command to love and cherish her and “be patient and kind and not keep records of wrongs” (1Cor 13). In the ideal world you would both simultaneously begin to change your part in the crazy cycle. But one can change the cycle. Read Eggerich’s book and focus only on your part or see a therapist who can encourage both of you to change.
You won’t be stuck anymore.
I am the husband and father in our family. I take my role very seriously, and I strive to do a good job.
I have found that my wife doesn't respect me. If asked, she would completely deny that, but she acts it out. She constantly questions my disciplinary actions with our children, and she does so in front of them. She allows them to break rules we have set up to keep our house clean, such as keeping food and drink in the kitchen, and the result is a mess everywhere. She'll tell me what to do or how to do something, and then when I tell her to stop telling me what to do, she says she was making a suggestion. She constantly puts down how I feel about things, and tells me I'm wrong for feeling a certain way, and then tears down how I feel debate-style.
I am the main breadwinner, and she works part-time. She doesn't do her share of the housework, given that I work 45-60 hrs/week and she works 20-30.I am tired of being disrespected, and while I'm not interested in divorce, I don't feel like I've got any leverage here. I have tried every way to express how I feel and to communicate the damage it's doing to our family (i.e. how our kids won't listen to me when she's around), but it doesn't seem to change anything. With all the effort I've put in trying to constructively change things, I don't know how to do any more. What do I do? How can I make my wife respect me, given that I've done everything that should cause her to naturally respect me?
Feeling Stuck
Dear Feeling Stuck,
You are stuck in the “Crazy Cycle”. In that cycle, there is a lot of fog. People get stuck there because they can’t clearly see their part. It’s as though a couple is blindfolded standing back to back to one another. One elbow’s the other in the back causing pain and the other reacts by elbowing back. This goes on 100 times and by that point, both people are mad and bruised and asking themselves why the heck does the other keep elbowing them and how can I get them to stop?
You can articulate clearly your wife’s elbow of disrespect painfully hitting your back. Like most of us, it is much harder to understand how our reaction in turn appears to be an unloving elbow in our wife’s back. Our inability to see how our reaction affects our spouse is normal. You obviously feel the sting of disrespect profoundly. As you grapple with your repetitive pain, you grow in resentment and resentment block compassion. The perfect trap. And you are in it. Your pain and resentment ooze out of you and your wife feels it. I promise she does.
Emerson Eggerichs in the book, “Love & Respect ” powerfully argues that Respect is like oxygen to a man, so is love to a woman. That is why in Ephesians it says: “Husbands love your wives, wives respect your husbands.” The “Crazy Cycle” is Husbands deprived of respect won’t love and wives deprived of love, won’t respect.
In your letter you asked me: “How can I make my wife respect me, given that I've done everything that should cause her to naturally respect me?” You can’t “make” her do anything but you can begin to follow the biblical command to love and cherish her and “be patient and kind and not keep records of wrongs” (1Cor 13). In the ideal world you would both simultaneously begin to change your part in the crazy cycle. But one can change the cycle. Read Eggerich’s book and focus only on your part or see a therapist who can encourage both of you to change.
You won’t be stuck anymore.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Are You Fighting To Win or Understand?
Dear Dr. Bill
We’ve been married for 15 years and have two kids 12 and 14. We need to learn how to fight better. There is no physical stuff, but we never seem to get anywhere. We both get mad and before we know it, things have gotten worse. It takes days to get over our fights and then they just happen again. I think we’re both walking on egg shells. To be honest, I think my wife fights meaner than I do. She brings up the past and even bashes me with mistakes I have admitted to her. She tells me I am just like my father and that makes me crazy. How do I make her stop? Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
What you are living through is frustrating and it is very damaging to relationships. The patterns you describe erode intimacy and good will in marriages and if left unchecked will often lead to serious damage. The communications dance you and your wife do can be changed, but it will take time as it has become a deeply ingrained habit.
Three things are happening in this dance:
1. Neither spouse is really listening any more
2. The Goal of the argument is victory and not resolution
3. Grace, empathy and benefit of the doubt are low or nonexistent.
I can just hear people saying, no Dr. Bill, I am listening to my spouse, it’s my spouse who doesn’t listen to me. If you pause and think about it, both of you “have heard it all before”. You know “where this is going”. You know what your spouse is about to say. If any of that is true, you aren’t fully listening. And the truth is you are figuring out how to respond to this jerk, and while you are doing so, you cannot fully attend to what your souse is saying.
Which leads us to the second thing going on in your dance: The goal is not understanding or resolution, it is to be right and to win. You argue as in a debate not as in a discussion. In a debate the goal is to win. In a discussion, the goal is understanding. These are two very different forms of interaction. You may decide to have a healthy debate with your spouse about the war in Iraq, but you should never debate one another’s needs, feelings, behaviors and especially character. The latter should always be mutual discussions with a goal of understanding.
Finally, ask yourself how much grace, empathy and benefit of the doubt is really going on in your arguments. Zero? Probably.
Nearly every couple I see for counseling tells me that a part of their troubles has to do with communication. All of them can communicate well, when the want to. If fact, communication which includes the three elements listed above communicate perfectly that we no longer really trust or are willing to try to partner with our spouse. You may as well thumb your nose at your partner if you communicate this way.
And one person can change this dance. Tell your self you will have a goal of understanding your spouse. You don’t have to agree just better understand. Search for the truth in what they say not the errors. Pause. Tell them you will consider what they have said. Pray for the strength to approach them with grace. Respectfully take a brief time out if you need it. Having done that, the dance will already have changed. In time, your spouse will likely follow. One thing is certain, the old dance not only doesn’t work but it is damaging your marriage. Change your part today.
We’ve been married for 15 years and have two kids 12 and 14. We need to learn how to fight better. There is no physical stuff, but we never seem to get anywhere. We both get mad and before we know it, things have gotten worse. It takes days to get over our fights and then they just happen again. I think we’re both walking on egg shells. To be honest, I think my wife fights meaner than I do. She brings up the past and even bashes me with mistakes I have admitted to her. She tells me I am just like my father and that makes me crazy. How do I make her stop? Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
What you are living through is frustrating and it is very damaging to relationships. The patterns you describe erode intimacy and good will in marriages and if left unchecked will often lead to serious damage. The communications dance you and your wife do can be changed, but it will take time as it has become a deeply ingrained habit.
Three things are happening in this dance:
1. Neither spouse is really listening any more
2. The Goal of the argument is victory and not resolution
3. Grace, empathy and benefit of the doubt are low or nonexistent.
I can just hear people saying, no Dr. Bill, I am listening to my spouse, it’s my spouse who doesn’t listen to me. If you pause and think about it, both of you “have heard it all before”. You know “where this is going”. You know what your spouse is about to say. If any of that is true, you aren’t fully listening. And the truth is you are figuring out how to respond to this jerk, and while you are doing so, you cannot fully attend to what your souse is saying.
Which leads us to the second thing going on in your dance: The goal is not understanding or resolution, it is to be right and to win. You argue as in a debate not as in a discussion. In a debate the goal is to win. In a discussion, the goal is understanding. These are two very different forms of interaction. You may decide to have a healthy debate with your spouse about the war in Iraq, but you should never debate one another’s needs, feelings, behaviors and especially character. The latter should always be mutual discussions with a goal of understanding.
Finally, ask yourself how much grace, empathy and benefit of the doubt is really going on in your arguments. Zero? Probably.
Nearly every couple I see for counseling tells me that a part of their troubles has to do with communication. All of them can communicate well, when the want to. If fact, communication which includes the three elements listed above communicate perfectly that we no longer really trust or are willing to try to partner with our spouse. You may as well thumb your nose at your partner if you communicate this way.
And one person can change this dance. Tell your self you will have a goal of understanding your spouse. You don’t have to agree just better understand. Search for the truth in what they say not the errors. Pause. Tell them you will consider what they have said. Pray for the strength to approach them with grace. Respectfully take a brief time out if you need it. Having done that, the dance will already have changed. In time, your spouse will likely follow. One thing is certain, the old dance not only doesn’t work but it is damaging your marriage. Change your part today.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
There is Hope: People Do Change
Dear Dr. Bill,
You answered my letter two months ago. My husband had recently told me he wasn’t “in-love” with me any more. He complained I hadn’t cared about his feelings, particularly in my lack of enthusiasm for love-making. I was hurt and shocked but after praying, my heart softened and even though my husband hadn’t been meeting my needs, I decided I would do my best to meet his. I changed our sex life in one week and felt good about it. While my marriage is still not perfect, I believe we are growing closer together. No only has my heart softened but it seems his has too. You see, this past weekend, he not only told me he loved me, but he said he was “in-love” with me too. I just wanted you to know. Signed Transformed.
Dear Transformed,
I am thrilled you wrote again. While I believe some will say you acted in weakness, I believe you acted in strength. It takes strength to go first. It takes strength to turn the other cheek. You had the opportunity to sow love and I believe you are reaping the rewards. May God continue to bless your marriage.
Dear Dr. Bill,
My husband’s sense of humor hurts me. Maybe I am being too sensitive, but he often jokes at my expense in front of his friends and relatives. Somebody will comment about his hair cut and he jokes that he did it “to make my wife mad”. He says he didn’t mean anything, but it hurts that he seems to be telling others he doesn’t care about me or blaming me for decisions he is uncomfortable with. I’ve asked him to stop many times but he just laughs and continues. Is there anything I can do? Signed Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
We do the dumbest things to our spouses. Women do this too but I see men do it more often. Your husband is covering his insecurity by making macho “I don’t give a damn” comments to his friends. Many men have been erroneously taught that looking tough, independent, insensitive, and emotionless is a way to be cool and look strong. In fact it’s just a dodge to cover up their own fears. Ironically, it takes strength and courage for a man to show emotion and be kind. True masculinity includes the courage to cry.
Frankly, your husband is not likely to change this behavior until he is willing to see what’s beneath it and he will not likely hear it from you. Try to find comfort in the fact that it is not about you. If you haven’t done this already, speak to him in terms of your feelings only and not his behavior. Don’t say “I hate it when you . . .”. Instead, say it in a way he may be able to hear by speaking softly and telling him you know he doesn’t mean to and he may be just joking, but it hurts your feelings when he kids that way. It would mean a lot to you if he would try to stop. Ask him as though you are asking for the first time. Even if he wants to change, it would be a habit that will be hard to break. Find ways to be an encourager about the things he does that you do appreciate. Pray that his heart be convicted. People do grow and change. Thank God for that.
You answered my letter two months ago. My husband had recently told me he wasn’t “in-love” with me any more. He complained I hadn’t cared about his feelings, particularly in my lack of enthusiasm for love-making. I was hurt and shocked but after praying, my heart softened and even though my husband hadn’t been meeting my needs, I decided I would do my best to meet his. I changed our sex life in one week and felt good about it. While my marriage is still not perfect, I believe we are growing closer together. No only has my heart softened but it seems his has too. You see, this past weekend, he not only told me he loved me, but he said he was “in-love” with me too. I just wanted you to know. Signed Transformed.
Dear Transformed,
I am thrilled you wrote again. While I believe some will say you acted in weakness, I believe you acted in strength. It takes strength to go first. It takes strength to turn the other cheek. You had the opportunity to sow love and I believe you are reaping the rewards. May God continue to bless your marriage.
Dear Dr. Bill,
My husband’s sense of humor hurts me. Maybe I am being too sensitive, but he often jokes at my expense in front of his friends and relatives. Somebody will comment about his hair cut and he jokes that he did it “to make my wife mad”. He says he didn’t mean anything, but it hurts that he seems to be telling others he doesn’t care about me or blaming me for decisions he is uncomfortable with. I’ve asked him to stop many times but he just laughs and continues. Is there anything I can do? Signed Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
We do the dumbest things to our spouses. Women do this too but I see men do it more often. Your husband is covering his insecurity by making macho “I don’t give a damn” comments to his friends. Many men have been erroneously taught that looking tough, independent, insensitive, and emotionless is a way to be cool and look strong. In fact it’s just a dodge to cover up their own fears. Ironically, it takes strength and courage for a man to show emotion and be kind. True masculinity includes the courage to cry.
Frankly, your husband is not likely to change this behavior until he is willing to see what’s beneath it and he will not likely hear it from you. Try to find comfort in the fact that it is not about you. If you haven’t done this already, speak to him in terms of your feelings only and not his behavior. Don’t say “I hate it when you . . .”. Instead, say it in a way he may be able to hear by speaking softly and telling him you know he doesn’t mean to and he may be just joking, but it hurts your feelings when he kids that way. It would mean a lot to you if he would try to stop. Ask him as though you are asking for the first time. Even if he wants to change, it would be a habit that will be hard to break. Find ways to be an encourager about the things he does that you do appreciate. Pray that his heart be convicted. People do grow and change. Thank God for that.
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