Dear Dr. Bill,
I don’t get it. What am I supposed to do when my wife hurts my feelings? How do I let her know she’s done something wrong? It seems every time I go to her with a legitimate complaint, she just gets mad and then I get mad. I do my best to say it nicely and it never works. She says I’m critical and that the Bible says I should be patient and kind and not nit pick at her. I say we need to have good communication and I have a right to express my feelings. Who is right? What can I do? We’ve been married only two years and this is not helping our marriage.
Dear Frustrated,
You have a common dilemma. Many marriages of much longer duration are struggling with the same basic question. I hope this will help. Lets say your wife has just embarrassed you in front of your best friend and you want to discuss this with her.
Step One: What is your motivation? Its hard to be honest about this one. Often, our primary goal is to let our spouse know how wrong they were. We’ve been hurt and simply want to issue a strong reprimand. We give them some of the pain they caused us back to them in the form of anger. We may also want to punish them for what they’ve done. We want them to know how wrong they were so they won’t hurt us again. Right? While these are understandable human motivations, they are not founded in love, and leave out the heart of our spouse and they will never lead to a closer more loving relationship. I think the goal should be restoration and mutual growth. This goal changes everything.
Step Two: Own Your Part. Ask yourself what was going on in you when the incident occurred. Are you sensitive to embarrassment or criticism? Do you care too much what others think? Are you defensive? Look for the part in you that made this event even harder than it might have been. Even if she was clearly wrong, how did your temperament make it even harder. Hint: If it was uncomfortable enough for you to want to confront your wife over it, your buttons were very likely pushed. Your buttons are your soft spots.
Step Three: Speak the Truth in Love. This is not easy and is almost impossible while you are angry. Cool off. Wait an hour or longer. You must have a soft start. Don’t begin with an harsh language. “I need to tell you how wrong you were last night” will rarely lead to a mutually loving conversation. Start with an expression of hope and love. “I love you and want us to grow closer together.” Follow immediately with ownership. “I’m far from perfect and know I’m not the best at hearing criticism” “My stuff is involved here too, this is not just about you”. The next ingredient is benefit of the doubt. “You probably didn’t mean it this way, but when you said__________, it really hurt my feelings.
Even when I’m 99.9% sure they did it on purpose, I’m often wrong about their motivations and benefit of the doubt helps them hear what I’m saying without getting defensive. The next ingredient is forgiveness. “I do love you and forgive you and I won’t hold this against you or remind you of it”. The final ingredient is your own apology. What you say? She hurt me! True but I’d say about 95% of the time, we sin in response to being hurt. “I want you to know that I’m sorry I got so mad” “I’m sorry I pouted all afternoon”. “I’m sorry I reacted so strongly.” Generally, you won’t have to dig very deeply to find your unloving response.
These steps are not easy in the beginning. They require practice. There is no guarantee your spouse will respond perfectly, but you will be doing the right thing. In time, she will grow to trust your motives and not brace herself for your discussions. Blessings in your journey
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Bag the therapist who suggests divorce is best
Dear Dr. Bill,
Early this year, my husband of 12 years told me one evening that he was unhappy in our marriage. The spark was gone and though he loved me, he wasn’t sure he was “in love” with me anymore. In fact, he wasn’t sure he ever felt that way. I was devastated. We have two beautiful children and my world started crashing around me. Eventually we went to counseling. And that’s when it got worse. The counselor, who said he was a Christian, essentially told my husband he had a right to seek happiness, and that sometimes meant ending a marriage. That was just what my husband needed to hear. It wasn’t just permission from a “professional”, it provided support to my husband’s premise that ending the marriage and finding his “true love” might lead to happiness. Now my husband is living in the basement and waiting for me to give up. I don’t think he wants to file for fear of what people will say. Living like this is killing me. What can I do? I feel so defeated.
Dear Defeated,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I want to respond to your question, but first I have to address marriage counselors who take a neutral or even negative position on marriage. There ought to be a warning label on marriage counseling which says: “This counseling may be dangerous to your marriage”. I simply cannot understand how any therapist can justify a position which espouses that leaving a marriage is a route to happiness. We know that divorce does not solve our personal quest for happiness. Our own healing and growth is the only known pathway for self-acceptance and peace with ourselves. And happiness will not come without the work we need to do. Suggesting divorce will lead to happiness is like telling a cancer patient that a new sports car will solve their problems. While that new Lambroghini may help that person forget their pain for a few days, the cancer eating at them will still be there. I understand that therapists are taught not to impose their values on clients. I also understand that divorce is a decision that only my clients can make. But I have had clients who think that jumping off a bridge will make them happy. I am not neutral about that decision because I know the consequences of it. I am also not neutral about divorce because I know it doesn’t solve anything and the consequences are generational and negative. The kids won’t be better and the adults won’t be better either. Divorce is usually running and it doesn’t solve any core problems. What’s worse is that unhappy people are desperate to be happy, and the last thing they need is the “impression” from a professional that divorce will help.
You need to know that it’s not too late for your marriage. It only takes one to Tango. We do “Marriage Counseling For One” all the time helping spouses in your position fight for their marriage. In your hurt and rejection, you have understandably reacted to your husband in ways which likely confirm his fears. As you build cold protective walls, his desperation will increase, not decrease. Quietly make the decision to work on your part. Where can you grow and heal? There is not an exemption in 1Corinthian 13’s unconditional love for your situation. In fact it is needed more than ever. Pray your husband’s heart will change. I have seen many many case where a hopeless marriage turned around, and when it was least expected. Pray God gives you the strength to persevere. Blessings in your journey
Early this year, my husband of 12 years told me one evening that he was unhappy in our marriage. The spark was gone and though he loved me, he wasn’t sure he was “in love” with me anymore. In fact, he wasn’t sure he ever felt that way. I was devastated. We have two beautiful children and my world started crashing around me. Eventually we went to counseling. And that’s when it got worse. The counselor, who said he was a Christian, essentially told my husband he had a right to seek happiness, and that sometimes meant ending a marriage. That was just what my husband needed to hear. It wasn’t just permission from a “professional”, it provided support to my husband’s premise that ending the marriage and finding his “true love” might lead to happiness. Now my husband is living in the basement and waiting for me to give up. I don’t think he wants to file for fear of what people will say. Living like this is killing me. What can I do? I feel so defeated.
Dear Defeated,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I want to respond to your question, but first I have to address marriage counselors who take a neutral or even negative position on marriage. There ought to be a warning label on marriage counseling which says: “This counseling may be dangerous to your marriage”. I simply cannot understand how any therapist can justify a position which espouses that leaving a marriage is a route to happiness. We know that divorce does not solve our personal quest for happiness. Our own healing and growth is the only known pathway for self-acceptance and peace with ourselves. And happiness will not come without the work we need to do. Suggesting divorce will lead to happiness is like telling a cancer patient that a new sports car will solve their problems. While that new Lambroghini may help that person forget their pain for a few days, the cancer eating at them will still be there. I understand that therapists are taught not to impose their values on clients. I also understand that divorce is a decision that only my clients can make. But I have had clients who think that jumping off a bridge will make them happy. I am not neutral about that decision because I know the consequences of it. I am also not neutral about divorce because I know it doesn’t solve anything and the consequences are generational and negative. The kids won’t be better and the adults won’t be better either. Divorce is usually running and it doesn’t solve any core problems. What’s worse is that unhappy people are desperate to be happy, and the last thing they need is the “impression” from a professional that divorce will help.
You need to know that it’s not too late for your marriage. It only takes one to Tango. We do “Marriage Counseling For One” all the time helping spouses in your position fight for their marriage. In your hurt and rejection, you have understandably reacted to your husband in ways which likely confirm his fears. As you build cold protective walls, his desperation will increase, not decrease. Quietly make the decision to work on your part. Where can you grow and heal? There is not an exemption in 1Corinthian 13’s unconditional love for your situation. In fact it is needed more than ever. Pray your husband’s heart will change. I have seen many many case where a hopeless marriage turned around, and when it was least expected. Pray God gives you the strength to persevere. Blessings in your journey
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