There is Hope: People Do Change

Dear Dr. Bill,

You answered my letter two months ago. My husband had recently told me he wasn’t “in-love” with me any more. He complained I hadn’t cared about his feelings, particularly in my lack of enthusiasm for love-making. I was hurt and shocked but after praying, my heart softened and even though my husband hadn’t been meeting my needs, I decided I would do my best to meet his. I changed our sex life in one week and felt good about it. While my marriage is still not perfect, I believe we are growing closer together. No only has my heart softened but it seems his has too. You see, this past weekend, he not only told me he loved me, but he said he was “in-love” with me too. I just wanted you to know. Signed Transformed.

Dear Transformed,

I am thrilled you wrote again. While I believe some will say you acted in weakness, I believe you acted in strength. It takes strength to go first. It takes strength to turn the other cheek. You had the opportunity to sow love and I believe you are reaping the rewards. May God continue to bless your marriage.

Dear Dr. Bill,

My husband’s sense of humor hurts me. Maybe I am being too sensitive, but he often jokes at my expense in front of his friends and relatives. Somebody will comment about his hair cut and he jokes that he did it “to make my wife mad”. He says he didn’t mean anything, but it hurts that he seems to be telling others he doesn’t care about me or blaming me for decisions he is uncomfortable with. I’ve asked him to stop many times but he just laughs and continues. Is there anything I can do? Signed Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed,

We do the dumbest things to our spouses. Women do this too but I see men do it more often. Your husband is covering his insecurity by making macho “I don’t give a damn” comments to his friends. Many men have been erroneously taught that looking tough, independent, insensitive, and emotionless is a way to be cool and look strong. In fact it’s just a dodge to cover up their own fears. Ironically, it takes strength and courage for a man to show emotion and be kind. True masculinity includes the courage to cry.

Frankly, your husband is not likely to change this behavior until he is willing to see what’s beneath it and he will not likely hear it from you. Try to find comfort in the fact that it is not about you. If you haven’t done this already, speak to him in terms of your feelings only and not his behavior. Don’t say “I hate it when you . . .”. Instead, say it in a way he may be able to hear by speaking softly and telling him you know he doesn’t mean to and he may be just joking, but it hurts your feelings when he kids that way. It would mean a lot to you if he would try to stop. Ask him as though you are asking for the first time. Even if he wants to change, it would be a habit that will be hard to break. Find ways to be an encourager about the things he does that you do appreciate. Pray that his heart be convicted. People do grow and change. Thank God for that.